if you don't like it you can GET OUT ;)
Guys, I’m pretty embarrassed, but I just have to get this off of my chest: I’m a terrorist.

I know most of you saw it coming. Those of you who didn’t have obviously missed the thousands of secret, subversive messages I slip into nearly every sentence of my writing. My confession is due a brilliant move by Ohio politicians which will no doubt end the constant acts of terrorism that have made our humble state into a powder keg of anti-American violence. After all, if you want to cripple a country, what do you take out first? The heart. And what is Ohio shaped like? Well it kind of looks like the end of a shovel, but you understand where I’m going with this.

The reason I’m coming clean today is because of the new "Declaration Regarding Material Assistance/Nonassistance to a Terrorist Organization" I have been asked to sign. (This form was initially titled the “Uncle Sam Puts His Weiner in the Ear of the 5th Amendment” form before politicians realized this upset those offended by the genitalia of historical figures). If you haven’t heard of this form, or haven’t yet been threatened with job termination [because of your failure to sign it], here’s the jist of it:

Two, four, six, eight, what do you appreciate?
_ AMERICA
_ TERRORISM
(Check one)

I was having a pretty good time being anti-American and everything, until this form was in my scheming, terrory hands. It was like kryptonite to Superman, except not nearly as boring. I mean, as a terrorist, I wished for nothing except the violent overthrow of the American government. But lie to my superiors? No way! This is unthinkable to me, and no American would ever lie to their superiors, unless to call in sick, or maybe if they’re hung over, or if there’s a baseball game they want to go to in the afternoon or something like that. This campaign of justice has obviously targeted what we terrorists are known best for: Not our cutthroat ruthlessness, but our guilty consciences.

But even though I was having a hell of a time deciding whether or not to lie, it dawned on me that if I didn’t sign it at all, even if I lost my job I could still be terrifying and the government wouldn’t know a damn thing about it. This seemed like a good idea until I read this section of the Ohio Patriot Act:

… the failure to answer "no" to any question, on a declaration of material assistance/nonassistance an agency provides pursuant to this section shall serve for purposes of this section as a disclosure that the applicant has provided material assistance to an organization listed on the terrorist exclusion list.

Even though I was excited that the government was slowly getting rid of due process and that “innocent until proven guilty crap” (because that would be an awesome police state for my perfect TerrorTown) shock and horror attacked me in alternating bursts when I realized that the government was just going to assume I was a terrorist until I told them that this was, in fact, not true. But it was! So before the “not a murderer,” “not a rapist,” and “not a Democrat” forms could come in, I swallowed my terrorist-style chewing gum and checked yes after yes on that infernal piece of paper.

…And I was doing such a good job hiding this from everyone, too. If only they had known they just had to come out and ask me if I was a terrorist, I would have folded like a deck chair long ago. But it’s clear that the government is on the ball with this stuff. After all, these forms don’t go out to just anybody; it’s mainly students and non-union campus workers that have to fill them out and recite the Pledge of Allegiance backwards while walking on a straight line (it’s called the freedom sobriety test). Living in Youngstown, I’m aware that unions give mortal men almost godlike superpowers, so these people must be immune to any type of terrorism. And students obviously have the most money to throw around; just last Friday my grad student friend invited me over to smash diamonds with hammers. For terrorism.

So what were my crimes? For the past five years I have been getting gas from a station that employs men with olive complexions and jet-black hair who at times speak a language that sounds nothing like English(crazy, I know). I was a little suspicious of these characters after September 11th, but when they hung an American flag from the awning I thought, “Hey, these guys are alright and I guess they don’t want me to explode after all!” But it’s always been gnawing at the back of my mind that maybe they DO want me to explode, and the fact that they have clearly not posted the “not a terrorist” forms next to the many different kinds of Slim Jims leads me to believe that they have something to hide besides the new “Mango Madness” flavor of the beef treat. And my suspicions of them only lead me to doubt myself and my love of falafel, beards, and Microsoft Flight Simulator. The writing was on the wall in a distinctly anti-American color, like chartreuse.

It’s sad really. But I guess that’s just one less “not a terrorist” form for politicians to beam over down at City Hall. Sorry, everyone.