Entry tags:

jambar

great pope-spectations
By chance, I managed to have an online run-in with the man who writes the only part of the Jambar(YSU's newspaper) that I enjoy. He seems to enjoy my various rantings and observations, and brought up the possibility of publishing some of my stuff in the Jambar. So I wrote a sample for him that's topical and a little more polished than what I usually do. I've included it below in today's update.

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“There’s white smoke,” my boss said knowingly from her cubicle. I honestly had no idea what she was talking about, and I started scanning the office for a possible trash fire. Noticing my cluelessness, she decided to break the news to me: “They’ve decided on a new Pope.” A small wave of apathy swept over my body, followed by a bit of confusion. Was I supposed to know that the Catholic Church is still using smoke signals? I could very well be announcing new Popes from my house without authorization whenever it’s time to throw another log on the fire. I guess it’s a good thing that I excommunicated myself from the church years ago; otherwise I could be in trouble.

Ratzinger is his name, and Pope-ing is his (new) game. Upon hearing just who this new Pope was, I couldn’t get over the quirkiness of his name. It just seems like the perfect last name for an exasperated boss to shout in the middle of a busy workplace. And what boss could be more exasperated than the Christian God?

“RATZINGER!”
“Yes sir.”
“I wanted that eternal salvation on my desk yesterday!”
“Right away, sir.”

Of course, when the time came to choose a new name, he decided on the rather pedestrian Benedict XVI. What with all of those Roman numerals, it won’t be long before people in the future start confusing him with Pope Benedict XIV. If I was ever elected Pope (which I assure you will never happen), I would choose a name that people would remember and carry in their hearts for the rest of their lives. It would mean something. I would be Pope Awesome Thunderfist I.

His new name may bore me, but I am intrigued by the amount of skeletons (some of which may be actual human skeletons) that this new Pope has in his closet. For example: as a young and possibly towheaded child, he was in Hitler Youth. Yes, I did some pretty stupid things when I was a kid, but I was never even close to being in a Hitler fan club. I was in The Real Ghostbusters Fan Club during a good portion of the 1980s, but that was vastly different! I guess you could forgive his past ignorance if his current ignorance wasn’t so overwhelming. His stances on issues that could rocket the Catholic Church into the mid-20th century such as homosexuality, birth control, and just about everything else are decidedly backwards. I guess we should only expect so much from a 78 year-old conservative Catholic.

Aside from all of his past creepiness, current creepiness, and general toad-like appearance, what seems the most unsettling to me is his unofficial title of “transition Pope.” It’s pretty much a giant flashing sign saying “this man will die soon.” I don’t doubt it; the man looks like he carries around the icy specter of death with him in a little fanny pack. He may take the dignified route, but if I was named transition anything, I would stick around for years in a persistent vegetative state just to spite people.

I guess what I’m trying to say with all of this is that the electing of a new Pope means nothing to me, and it means nothing to a lot of other people. I have no problem with it being important to others, but all I can see is another old man in a funny hat. Hell, I wouldn’t care if Burt Reynolds were to become the new Pope; I may in fact prefer that scenario. After all, when was the last time a Pope had a kickin’ moustache and/or was The Bandit?