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jambar

jambar retractions
Being a journalist is tough. You certainly don’t get into this business to make friends- which really doesn’t matter because most of us here have friendless dispositions, anyway. But after reading about all the bridges we’ve burned in the inaugural Jambar’s editorial, I felt something strange. At first, I thought that it may be indigestion, or maybe I was sitting on a family of cats (when you live next to a pet store, it happens more often then you’d think). But this was a sensation which was completely new to me: guilt. Yes, tearing down people and social institutions has turned me into the highly successful monster I am today, but only recently I realized that printing ugly truths about people – or lies that are hilarious – can damage reputations as well as the skulls and lower jaws of sloppy reporters.

On the first day of journalism boot camp, they tell you that the love and respect for those you care about comes second to reporting. It’s not uncommon to usher figurative Anne Franks out of your attic for the sake of a story. But even though they were sharp dressers, no one wants to be a Nazi about reporting- and ruthless tactics like theirs are why all of our sources scream gypsy curses into the phone whenever Jambar reporters call. So, as part of our new kinder, gentler stance on journalism, this year we’ll be building our reputation and getting our printer to take the edges off every page so The Jambar is finally safe for baby. In the spirit of this benevolence, I now present the following retractions of damaging statements and mistakes I have made in the past:

• The first floor of Ward-Beecher is not a monster creation and storage facility. That was a dream I had.
  
  
• In the article “Lab Fees Funneled to Secret Lobster account,” President Sweet’s name is misspelled.
  
  
• The diversity banners on campus are not meant to act as sails which will eventually lift the YSU campus off of the ground and fly us to some magical world where we can no longer see color, race, sexual preference, or Chrono Trigger enthusiasm. This is very hard for me to accept because of the slings and arrows I’ve taken for my forbidden love… of Chrono Trigger.
  
  
• Arby’s isn’t people, but something far more sinister (if I told you it would be violating the new bridge-building contract).
  
  
• The entire eight-issue career-destroying expose on the education professor who trapped students in a hedge maze and then made keychains out of their body parts (after hacking them apart with a machete) was also a dream I had. But to be fair, this professor hung up on me when I tried to verify these events. People, journalism is a two-way street!

Pathetically, I’ve also used the pages of the Jambar to destroy my high-society enemies:

• It was I who lost the duel with Lord Wensleydale of Brighton.
  
  
• In “The Case of the Crown Jewels,” I framed the butler, who luckily had the countenance of a guilty man.
  
  
• I killed Colonel Mustard in the study with the colonel poison.
  
  
  
• The article “Teenagers Torch Cars in YSU Lot” was a cover up, mainly written to save me from the results of my parking-related anger.
  
  
• The gay and lesbian "safe zones" on campus are not compatible with flashlight or laser tag.
  
  
• All of my February articles were not really written in iambic pentameter, as I had claimed. In reality, I was very, very drunk.
  
  
• The article “Communications Major Goes to Space Camp” is fundamentally flawed. Communications is not a real major.
  
  
• In the article “YSU Administration has Class,” the following sentence is wrong:
  
  “The YSU board of directors – known mainly in their human forms – are, in reality, a group of underground-dwelling gremlins who thrive off of the flesh, pain, and financial stress of students..”
  
  It should read:
  
  “The YSU board of directors – known mainly in their human forms – are, in reality, a group of underground-dwelling gremlins who thrive off of the flesh, pain, and financial stress of students.”
  
  We apologize for the extra period and hope you will forgive this oversight!
  
  
• I don’t really have a girlfriend in Canada.

The familiar sound of bricks crashing through windows can only mean that this semester holds much promise for the staff of The Jambar. We hope you join us!