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walruss

more fun than a hayride?
Once again, here's another Walruss article. I'll be doing a movie preview thing like this in each issue.

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If summer is the Blockbuster season for Hollywood movies, than fall must be “SCUD missile season” or “those little crappy snakes you light on the pavement which are boring and end up staining your sidewalk season.” This time period is a dumping ground for Hollywood studios who know that holiday visitations from family members will not happen until Thanksgiving, so Americans will have no reason to run to the theaters in droves to avoid holding conversations with said family members. FACT: 90% of the people who went to see 2000’s wretched “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas” did so to escape hearing their great uncles tell them about their reconstructive urology.

But even with all great-uncles currently out of state, you may find yourself at the movies for some godforsaken reason, unaware of the options you have. So, if you think building a leafman or dropping pumpkins off of the overpass is “too cool” for you, I will at least try to make your movie-going decision less painful.

Lassie: I have a feeling that the current holders of the Lassie franchise carefully examined the marketplace, analyzed the current state of American culture, assembled many attractive graphs with a Microsoft product, and then decided to make this movie anyway. In this post-911, post-Kangaroo Jack world, the idea of a movie about a dog in the Midwest who doesn’t talk is far too innocent for children of today. Perhaps if Lassie used battle pods, or if the movie was marketed with a collectable card game; then maybe someone would take notice. But at least this remake of “Lassie Comes Home” features the plucky dog’s adventures in WWII-era Europe, so the possibility of Nazi crotch-biting is very high. And we all know Benji never had the nuggets for that kind of action.

Crank: No this isn’t a sequel to 2004’s heartwarmingly fascist family comedy “Christmas with the Kranks;” all possible future installments in the Krank franchise were eliminated after the original movie was declared a war crime by several different governments and the International Court of Justice. This “Crank” is about a man’s revenge to kill those who poisoned him, the catch being he only has 24 hours of life left in which to do this. So in many ways, “Crank” is an experience those of us who have eaten a McGriddle can relate to, except in that case the best revenge is to defile a McDonald’s bathroom instead of murdering a McWorker.

But even if you’ve never ridden the McGriddle rollercoaster, the gimmicky nature of the premise might be enough to make it worth seeing. Although you may want to bring some faster-acting poison in case it isn’t. Hint: when combined correctly, Goobers and Twizzlers are more dangerous than cyanide.

Chance of Nazi crotch-biting: slim.

The Wicker Man: Warning: this is a Nicholas Cage movie. So if you don’t understand his unique brand of communication – speaking while whistling through his teeth – you may want to stay home, or at least bring an interpreter. “The Wicker Man” marks Hollywood’s current obsession but constant practice of remaking horror movies and pissing off the small and dangerous groups of Fangoria-reading parents’ basement-dwellers who are obsessive fans of the originals. As is the case with any remake, I recommend that you go see it, and make note of how it compares with the original. Then, proceed to go on the internet and write lengthy dissertations on how director X ruined your childhood, or how the new movie will cull many new ignorant people to your small cultish circle. Following this, remember that the old movie still exists, and take a nap.

Chance of Nazi crotch-biting: moderate.

Crossover: I’ll admit that I didn’t know very much about “Crossover,” so I was forced to do extensive research (stay awake during the trailer) in order to form an opinion. As someone who is an expert on and who spends his entire life immersed in street culture, I really don’t think that a movie about basketball starring Wayne Brady needs a trailer narrated by the “In a world where…” guy. I would have opted for using the comedy record scratch in this trailer, especially because the movie features a black guy whose basketball skills are poor at best. If denying the audience’s desire to see stereotypes fulfilled does not deserve the comedy record scratch, then I don’t know what does. For those of you who are more interested in the trailer, if I had to describe “Crossover” I would call it “Drumline” meets “Save the Last Dance” plus those street racing movies all the children are so fond of.

Chance of Nazi crotch-biting: anachronistic.

Riding Alone for Thousands of Miles: The “House of Flying Daggers” didn’t just kill Bob Vila; it also proved that Yimou Zhang (also of “Hero” fame) had the directorial chops to catch the eye of American audiences. “Riding Alone for Thousands of Miles” is much less flying-daggery, though, as it deals primarily with a father-and-son journey, and the personal discoveries this duo makes. The premise of this movie and the fact that it’s subtitled means that it will only play in the most independent of independent theaters; you will need to bring your own chair, and if the cops show up, just pretend you’re not in a movie theater. Of course, you can always go see one of the fifteen daily showings of “Snakes on a Plane” if the previous prospect doesn’t sound very appetizing. Just make sure to bring your favorite Internet joke with you!

Chance of Nazi crotch-biting: questionable.