Entry tags:

jambar

"too soon" is never too soon enough

So here we are, five years after 9-11. Far greater than four and unthinkably better than three, being five years away from the World Trade Center attacks is significant if only because it marks humanity’s love of remembering events where the amount time passed between then and now is divisible by five. Perhaps in some horrible, base-8 world, we’d be concentrating on the wonderful fall programming network television has to offer, but currently in our horrible base-10 reality, we have our phasers set to “mourn.” No doubt by now you’ve watched various specials on the disaster, including Anderson Cooper’s CGI recreation of that fateful day where he uses his powers of 360ing to catch the falling towers in his bear-like grip and gently place them in a barren, unpopulated area, like New Jersey. We love to “never forget,” as long as it’s somewhat annual.

This motto is obvious just by looking at all of the 9-11 paraphernalia (which I have dubbed “terrorphernalia”) that’s been produced over the past five years. I had a feeling that this wave of merchandise was coming the second an issue of The Vindicator included its own flag for home use- because flags to terrorists are like garlic to Draculas. To this day, when I see that yellowed, filthy piece of newsprint still tacked up on someone’s wall or cubicle, I tear up a little and think, “Christ, is that tacky,” and, “I wonder if those propane coupons on the back are still redeemable?”

Perhaps the tackiest example of this wave of terrorphernalia is the 9-11 commemorative coin. One of (probably) many, this coin depicts the World Trade Center towers in all their majesty. But unlike your common penny or nickel with their stationary presidents, the towers can actually be pulled up from the face of the coin for the purposes of recreating that tragedy inside your boot-fit Levi’s. Although, I wouldn’t carry this coin around with you as currency. Clerks and shopkeepers get very upset when you try to use the coin as actual money, and even more so when you claim that the coin is worth thousands of innocent lives (which are priceless anyway, leaving the coin valueless).

But instead of going off on a tangent about why those who lived through the Pearl Harbor disaster don’t carry around exploding battleships in their pants, but I feel that it may be more constructive to present 9-11 merchandise that may just be as idiotic (and profitable) as the 9-11 coin. Attention cheap plastic crap factories: I am taking offers and my contact information can be found at the bottom of the page.

Tragic Moments Figures: The Precious Moments series of adorable figures can be found in the houses of large women who believe in angels and fairies, but who don’t believe in abortions. Let me ask you this: without abortions, where are all of those little baby angels coming from? Yes, you should be terrified. But I digress. The new “Tragic Moments” figures will feature the same dewey-eyed little tykes as the Precious Moments series, except in adorable 9-11 related poses. You have your choice of “The Widdlest NYC Firefighter,” “The Widdlest NYC Policeman,” and the new, exclusive “Widdlest Pwesident.” How can such widdle folks stop that big ol’ disaster? Tragedy addicts will love ‘em, and the figures’ marshmallow-scented heads will fill the air with memories of camping.

Ronco Home Eagle Sanctuary: Yes, bald eagles are our national symbol, but have you actually seen one outside of zoos or spare tire covers? There’s got to be a better way! Using patented Ronco technology, the Ronco Home Eagle Sanctuary will broadcast Toby Keith music on a wavelength that only bald eagles can hear. When these eagles try to kill themselves by crashing headfirst into your front yard - common behavior for any exposure to Toby Keith music – they’ll be ensnared in the included Ronco front yard netting. Now you can enjoy all the pleasures of eagle adjacency; and these large, predatory birds will be too despondent to perform their usual face-clawing behavior!

The Flamplifier: It’s happened to all of us. We think we have the biggest flag on the block, and then some joker down the street outdoes us by just a few square inches. Let the Flag Amplifier (Flamplifier) be the solution to all of your patriotic competition needs! With its series of high powered 500-foot magnification lenses (sold separately), your neighbors will not only be amazed by the size of any household flag, but they will also be able to count thread after patriotic thread. Just be sure to remove any “Made in China” labels before the flamplification!

Constitution Yule Logs: The holiday season is just around the corner, so why not keep warm with the combustion of our inalienable rights? Each log is custom-designed to resemble that dusty old document full of bad ideas from bad men in bad powdered wigs; and no doubt you’ll feel safe, warm, and secure from the burning of the Preamble all the way to the disintegration of John Hancock. Who needs rights when you can be safe? WARNING: Do not burn Constitution Yule Logs near pets, children, pregnant women, women, and non-Christian men.

Microsoft Flight Tragedy Averter 2006: Microsoft’s Flight Simulator series has been the leader in fake flight based action for decades. Unfortunately, it’s possible for terrorists to use programs like these to learn how to fly planes, which has put all of us computer geeks on edge. The new MFTA 2006 expansion pack solves this problem by putting you in the shoes of a terrorist who makes the brave decision to go against his orders, fly around the buildings, and then turn himself in at the nearest police station. Play the 9-11 scenario in the rain! The snow! At night! During the day! The possibilities are endless. All four of them.