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walruss

revenge of the zombie of the sticky floor

more HURF DURF hijinks with mediocrity's poster manchild

Opening 12/08

The Holiday – Sometimes casting can ruin the premise of a movie. Take The Holiday, for example: it features Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz, two women who swap houses and countries after being overcome with guy problems. I find it hard to believe that two of the most beautiful women in Hollywood (I am accepting the perception of Cameron Diaz as good-looking for the grounds of this argument) have such bad relationship luck that they actually need to change countries to solve their problems. Jack Black also stars, and he looks to be playing a role other than “Captain Wacky;” kind of a shame, since your girlfriend will force you to watch this.

Apocalypto – Mel Gibson’s face is all over the previews of Apocalypto, which seems like a strange marketing device to use after the actor/director’s drunken rant about “the Jews” back in July of this year. A story about the downfall of the Mayan kingdom, Apocalypto is similar to Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ; the dialogue of the film will be in a language appropriate for the setting – Mayan. Overlooking Gibson’s eccentricities, Apocalypto could be a good epic movie- as long as the downfall of the Mayan civilization isn’t because of “the Jews.” And if it is, you heard it here first.

Blood Diamond – Blood Diamond brings new meaning to the DeBeers-enforced slogan, “A diamond is forever,” with a story of the suspenseful struggle of three characters (played by Leonardo DiCaprio, Jennifer Connely, and Djimon Hounsou) for a diamond that can change all of their lives in different ways. Of course, diamond theft is not as easy as smashing open a display case at Zales when you’re in the middle of war-torn Sierra Leone. Blood Diamond looks to be an interesting thriller, and it may teach American audiences that the diamond industry’s seedy side of mistreatment and torture may be reprehensible, but it can result in good movies.

Unaccompanied Minors – They really should have advertised Unaccompanied Minors as “Lord of the Flies at an airport.” Sure, that correlation may be very unsteady, but it would at least get me interested. Minors is the latest in a long line of “kids rule” films that started way back in 1990, when little Macaulay Culkin was still paralyzing home invaders with homemade torture device. But instead of taking place in a suburban home, Minors shifts the stage to a snowed-in Chicago airport, where a group of plucky kids must scrape together what natural resources they can find to have Christmas. Lewis Black co-stars, so if you don’t like to see kids getting into mischief, you will at least enjoy all the screaming.

Opening 12/15

The Pursuit of Happyness – The title of this movie makes English majors like me not want to see it out of spite alone. But there’s a method to Happyness’s madness: the word’s misspelling is actually a semi-important plot point. The film stars Will Smith and son as a fictional father and son duo who struggle with homelessness to carve out a place to survive in America. Based on trailers I’ve seen of the film, Happyness seems determined to extract tears from your eyes with a syringe if it has to. Sadly, the movie industry seems to ignore us modern Grinches who prefer to have our hearts two sizes too small.

Charlotte’s Web – Yes, there is now a new adaptation of Charlotte’s Web, even though the ultimate talking pig movies – Babe and its sequel – have already been made. Gary Winick directs this new movie version of E.B. White’s classic story about spelling and spider mortality, with precocious Dakota Fanning starring as Fern. As expected, there’s a bevy of celebrities voicing the various animal characters; Julia Roberts plays Charlotte the spider. If anything, this movie should be much better than the last “interpretation” of White’s book, the direct-to-video Charlotte’s Web 2: Wilbur’s Great Adventure, which featured Charlotte’s three daughters - who looked conspicuously like The Powerpuff Girls. I’m not kidding.

Eragon – Do you like Lord of the Rings? Would you like to see it blatantly ripped off by a teenage author? If so, Eragon should be your holiday movie of choice. In it, a boy and his pet dragon must defend their land from an evil king and proceed to rehash every fantasy cliché from the past fifty years. And the fact that this film is the beginning of a trilogy means that we’re guaranteed to see the same material annually for at least another two years. I may sound bitter about the young author of these books finding success and movie deals, but I’m not: after all, if my parents owned a publishing company and decided to print my book (as is the case with Christopher Paolini), I would no doubt deserve my success.

Opening 12/22

Rocky Balboa – Thankfully, this new Rocky movie does not have a Roman numeral at the end. If it did, I fear this new film would remind people of the Spaceballs joke, “Rocky Five… Thousand.” If you think that Stallone is a little too old to be playing Rocky, you’re right; after all, that mountain of man meat is pushing 60. But the plausibility arguments of Rocky Balboa are done in by the intense amount of nostalgia that this movie is generating. No matter how stupid the franchise became, Rocky has always been synonymous with the 80s. This is your chance to buy 90 minutes of your childhood back, and you’d better hurry – I don’t think there’s going to be another Rocky once Stallone starts cashing Social Security checks.

The Good Shepherd – One of only a handful of films directed by Robert DeNiro, The Good Shepherd tells the story of the CIA’s beginning, all told through the eyes of Agent Edward Wilson (Matt Damon). This 1940s period piece looks to be full of mystery, suspense, and Angelina Jolie’s boobs. But don’t blame her – she really can’t help it. And is there really a better gift you can give yourself this Christmas?

Night at the Museum – Ben Stiller is typecast as a hapless doormat in this movie about a security guard who works in a museum where the exhibits come to life. You’ll have to excuse my bias against Ben Stiller; to me he’s the poster child of middle-ground entertainment: not offensive, not enjoyable, and somewhere in the zone of absolute mediocrity. Owen Wilson is also featured prominently in previews for this movie, which makes me think that Hollywood is trying to set Stiller and Wilson up as the next great comedy duo, a la Laurel and Hardy. The only problem is that one of them isn’t fat. Oh yeah, and they’re both dangerously unfunny.