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walruss

the ghost of walruss past

During the Christmas season, with people in need, wars being fought, and Lindsay Lohan still being employed, we often neglect to think of what really matters most: presents. Leonard Glenn Crist and Bob Mackey share these sentiments in the following deep philosophical discussion about getting stuff.



Bob Mackey: On the subject of presents, I’m a firm disbeliever in the whole “It’s the thought that counts” argument if only because whenever this defense is used, no actual thought has been expended. Case in point: gift cards. These items spell nothing but wild guesses from a purchaser who knows nothing about you but the most basic of characteristics, and – in most cases – doesn’t love you enough to want to know more. “Hmm… I’ve seen Bill reading a book once… But it might have been a menu, now that I think about it. Aw, screw it, he’s getting a $25 gift card from Borders. And this will ensure I don’t have to walk more than 20 feet into that store!” See what I mean? The only thing worse is your mom buying you the latest fashions from 1994, and saying, “The kids like the baggy clothes,” while bystanders look on, horrified.

Leonard Glenn Crist: Since I am very, very cheap – just ask any of my ex-girlfriends or my mother (on her last two birthdays, I’ve asked to borrow money) – I usually employ the “It’s the thought that counts” excuse after I’ve waited until Christmas Eve to do my shopping with only 35 bucks left in my bank account to buy crap for all my friends, family and significant others. Nothing says, “I’m thinking of you this holiday season” like a personalized keychain and some stickers from the dollar store. A $20 gift card is simply too pricey for me. Conversely, I enjoy thoughtless presents like gift cards and cash because I am usually disappointed in any real gifts I get on the holidays. To be completely honest, I’d rather have someone pay my car insurance or my cell phone bill for Christmas than anything else. Then the thought would really count. What do you want for Christmas this year, Bob?

Bob Mackey: I think you’re on to something with that whole “paying my bills” idea. The only problem is most people would consider it rude to receive an invoice for your car payment in November, and even ruder when you request a receipt – hey, you shouldn’t let a Christmas mistake ruin your credit rating! But when it comes to buying Christmas gifts, I’m one of those jerks who orders all of their gifts from the Internet a month ahead of time, and then proceeds to brag about this fact and get punched by harried last-minute shoppers. The fact that I can find amazing Internet deals and have the luxury to wait on free shipping means that I care about the gift-receiver that much more. And if anyone out there cares, I’d really like a Nintendo Wii for Christmas. So far my efforts to get one have been fruitless, thanks to being intercepted by nerds at every turn. But I’m sure the fine people at Nintendo and their local Youngstown representative will see it in their hearts to send me a free Wii. After all, I’ve been a fan of their products since I was a kid, and I’m looking to delay my adulthood at least another year. I still fondly remember the Christmas that I got my Super Nintendo. Leonard, do you have any heartwarming Christmas memories of valuable, ill-gotten prizes?



Leonard Glenn Crist: I remember the year “Santa” brought me an original Nintendo Entertainment System, along with games that were stamped with “Van’s Video” stickers on them. Apparently Santa buys used. I was about 9 years old and somewhat suspicious of his existence at that point, but didn’t completely lose my faith for another couple years. The year you stop believing in Santa, your present count tends to dwindle. On the topic of video games, I think, for our entire generation, the year you got a Nintendo or a Super Nintendo or a Sega Genesis is probably your greatest Christmas memory, as sad as that may be. The Christmas I got a Super Nintendo, I played it non-stop for about 12 straight hours and when I finally went to bed, I was literally dreaming about playing Super Mario World the entire night. I can only imagine what might happen to a 12 year old who spends 12 hours on Christmas day playing Grand Theft Auto. Hookers beware! But it seems like buying Christmas presents has reached its saturation point. This year, Wal-Mart reported a loss for the first November in ages. I guess there are only so many people willing to stand in line for 20 hours outside of a big box retailer to wait for their chance at a few discounted laptops. The lesson being, Christmas may be over-commercialized, but it’s not likely to get much more over-commercialized. Bob, have you done much Black Friday shopping in the past?

Bob Mackey: No; I have had the pleasure of working retail Christmases during this unfortunate holiday, though- but never again. To be honest, I actually enjoyed the rush of holding thousands of violent customers at bay behind a flimsy plywood counter while they groped at me for used, nicotine-stained N64 cartridges. It was like a zombie movie, but with more brutality. I also had the pleasure of seeing my store rake in tens of thousands of dollars while my pay rate remained at $5.25 an hour. Harsh economic lessons like these keep me inside on Black Friday, no matter what side of the counter I’m on.

I also have no desire to stand in massive lines amidst crying babies and pissed-off parents at any time of the year, so this Black Friday I stayed inside and played video games, listening for the errant explosion or massive car accident coming from the Boardman area. As I said before, due to my Internet shopping mastery, I have no need to risk decapitation all for a Tickle Me Elmo X – which may be from the future, I’m not sure. But one thing I am sure of is that none of my gift recipients are those “You had better not get me anything I swear to God!!!” Christmas butts. If I didn’t get them anything, then how would they possibly owe me in the future? Leonard, your thoughts?



Leonard Glenn Crist: I used to be like you, Bob, peddling in Christmas guilt: “Mom, if you don’t get me a dirt bike I’ll hate you forever and blame any future murderous rampages on the lack of a loving home;” and also the other side of the coin, “I bought you this beautiful diamond ring, toots, now what nasty things are you going to do to thank me?” But then, one cold Christmas Eve I was visited by four ghosts – Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Ghost Dad – and they showed me the error of my ways. Now I just give out Bill Cosby DVDs for the holidays and I expect nothing in return. This year, all Walruss writers will receive an autographed copy (autographed by me) of the classic film Leonard Part 6. I’m sure you can’t wait. But it seems to this writer that we’ve lost sight of the true meaning of Christmas, which is giving gifts not to your friends and family but to a holy infant who one day will consume all our sins through a selfless sacrifice. The real question is, which celebrity baby will it be this year? Brangelina’s baby Shiloh? Tomkats’ baby Suri? All fine choices, but I think the obvious choice is Madonna’s newly adopted baby David. Have you seen the “Like a Prayer” video? That woman is saintly. Plus the Big Man Upstairs can take a breather, as the media regularly crucifies Madonna without any of his divine help. The only real question left is what are we, the two wise men of The Walruss, going to give to baby David on Christmas morn? I know I’m going with the traditional frankincense, myrrh and Ghost Dad combo.

Bob Mackey: Instead of Leonard Part 6, could I possibly get something more useful? Like 5 dollars in credit at a candle store? As for David- well, let’s talk about his name first. Why did Madonna choose such a normal name when it’s en vogue for celebrities to adorn their babies with the most asinine titles they can think of? Madonna could have named her baby Marmalade - or even Calypso - and no one would have batted an eye. But if we must ride out to England on camels, I would definitely bring little David a copy of his mommy’s own Immaculate Collection, with a note attached that reads, “David, if anyone calls you gay for owning a Madonna CD, just tell them Bob Mackey gave this to you.” For my next gift, I would try to introduce David to a new religion, since Kaballah has lost all of its charm and novelty. Whatever happened to the snake-handling faith? I can’t wait to find out!

I would also steal some of David’s hair or perhaps a toenail, hold an eBay auction, and never work another day in my life.

Merry Christmas, everyone!