Entry tags:

insanity, jambar

mind wide shut
Grabbing last week's issue of the Jambar, I was excited to see a front-page story on Scientology. I've had a sick fascination with the religion for quite some time, so I was more than interested in reading about it. Recently, Tom Cruise's shining star has brought Scientology out into the limelight, and I was eager to see if the article was going to deliver a hard-hitting exposé on it. Sadly, while the writer mentioned lots of fun, wacky things about the religion, he failed to get to the point of Scientology. That point being Scientology is hilarious.

Before I begin, I have to state that everything I'm writing here is pure, unadulterated truth. I feel the need to say this because whenever I tell people about the mostly unknown aspects of Scientology, they usually look at me in disbelief, with no respect for the amount of time I've spent doing research on the subject. It usually takes a lot of poking and prodding to get people to realize that I tell no lies about what Scientologists believe. When the truth finally sinks in, they walk away in utter shock and disbelief that someone could take the core beliefs of Scientology seriously. So if you're driving or holding a baby, I recommend that you brake suddenly or drop your infant to the ground before reading, lest shock overtake your central nervous system.

While last week's article mentioned Thetans, without explanation these "souls," as the article puts it, don't really seem that odd. But where do Thetans come from? Ah, therein lies the wackiness, and the core beliefs of Scientology.

You see, Scientologists believe that 75 million years ago, a galactic overlord named Xenu was in control of 76 planets, including our very own Earth. His collection of planets was facing a small overpopulation problem, so he did what any reasonable galactic overlord would do: he audited them. Thinking they were going in for a normal IRS-type procedure, these aliens were frozen as soon as they entered the audit centers. After the freezing process was complete, all 13.5 trillion of these alien-cicles were flown to Earth and dropped into volcanoes by DC8 airplanes. Still with me?

Because Xenu was a right bastard, after dropping everyone into volcanoes, he decided to hit the volcanoes with hydrogen bombs. I guess he had a few extra lying around. Of course, when you have that many dead aliens, you're going to have a major soulstorm. Ever the resourceful one, Xenu set up a bunch of electric traps to snatch up all the alien souls blowing around on earth. Instead of facing the sticky death of a roach motel, these alien souls were treated to movies. Sadly, the movies weren't very good, their purpose being to brainwash the alien souls in believing the crazy things non-Scientologists may believe in, such as Jesus and Mohammed and ridiculous things like common sense. With the souls no longer a threat, Xenu went on to ... well, I'm not sure, but he's probably pulling his tax collector shtick somewhere else in the galaxy.

This, my friends, is where the Thetans come in. These alien souls started to clump together until humans began to inhabit the earth, then they attached themselves to our race, and to this day cause all of our problems. Scientology is there to get rid of these alien ghosties; think of them as real-life Ghostbusters. Instead of getting to meet the wise-cracking Peter Venkman, you'll have to fork over tens of thousands of dollars for motivational books, DVDs and seminars. Hey, those alien ghosts aren't going to come out on their own! They need coaxing.

So, the next time you see Tom Cruise and start to bask in his man-beauty, look deeper into his soulless eyes and just remember that he sincerely believes everything that I've told you about. On the off chance that Tom Cruise confronts you about Scientology in a darkened alleyway, just remember that you're listening to the insane ramblings of a high-school dropout. Oh, and remember to run. Run very fast.

Further reading about the dangers of Scientology can be found at http://www.clambake.org/. Hail Xenu.

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Even though I included a paragraph about how truthful this article is, I have the feeling that people still aren't going to believe me. A woman who works in my office told me she liked the article, but I still had to convince her that all the stuff I wrote about Scientology is true. I guess the core belief system of Scientology is funnier than anything I could ever write. I really wanted to go into the more despicable practices of Scientologists, but I'm only given 800 words, and all the laughs are in the alien spook story. L. Ron Hubbard really should have looked into writing for MAD Magazine. The bastard.


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