Entry tags:

college, jambar

how to succeed at failure
Well, here I am; tired, cold, and sitting in a broken chair in a noisy computer lab, my fingers moving quickly across a disgusting keyboard caked with filth. This can only mean one thing: school's in session! For those of you who don't live near me, a professor and non-professor strike threatened to delay the start of classes at my University... Until the unions won at 9PM last night. In the metaphorical game of chicken that has played out through the end of the summer, the administration was the first one to go over the cliff!

So where am I going with all of this? I'm now a paid staff member for The Jambar, and what this means for you, the reader, is a sharp decline in writing quality as I slowly sell out. But for now, please enjoy this article I wrote in a cabin-fever induced haze.

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Hello, Freshmen. There's no need to recoil at this unfamiliar title; in fact, you should consider it a badge of honor. You have thrown off the oppressive yoke of your parents and donned the new oppressive yoke of abject poverty and/or sadistic RAs. And for those of you still living at home, congratulations! You have officially become sponges. Yes, it's a time of change, but some may discover the harsh reality that college is not for everyone. For you lucky few, I have assembled the perfect plan to have one explosive semester at YSU before you return to the world of retail and sub-retail management with your respective tails between your legs.

The issue of money should be your first concern: namely, how to invest what little money you will have left after the Bursar's Office snatches it from your clammy little fists. Books are a largely trivial matter, but if you're concerned with having one nice college report card, I suggest using the nearly-limitless potential of the Internet to do research on criminals who would gladly steal them for you for a price that will be negotiated personally, over the phone. As long as the figurative trail does not lead back to you, you're in the clear; however, if a physical trail exists, and you're at the end of it, I suggest quietly withdrawing before campus police notice.

Money is also a matter when it comes to feeding oneself, but this should not be a problem for the astute freshman. A good idea is to hit every party on Friday night, gorging yourself on food at each stop. If someone stops you at the door, just tell them, "I'm with the band," and if this person tells you that no band is there, tell them, "They just broke up." Non-admittance shouldn't be a problem for long, most people will know you as "that hungry dude," and will gladly admit you just to watch as you feast upon cheese puffs with a quiet dignity. An important thing to remember is that these parties are chock-full of unconscious people, who carry wallets full of currency in their pockets. I'm not encouraging theft, but don't you think they should be taught a lesson?

All of this talk about parties smoothly brings us into the next part of your adventure at YSU: the wonderful social world of college. Just as with animals in nature, the American college student has distinct markings that make it stand out from other, non-college-attending types. If these marks do not occur on your body naturally, head on down to one of Youngstown's many tattoo parlors and have them get to work. Men, you want either something tribal or barbed wire etched around one of your massive biceps (if the bicep is not massive, please start over), and ladies, make sure you get the pattern of your choice right above the crack of your ass. Sassy sayings above this pattern are optional.

Now that you fit in, it's time to make some new friends. The college atmosphere allows you to be friends with many members of the opposite sex, without the hormonal pressures that high school usually inflicts. But who wants that? You should be looking for action. College clubs are full of like-minded guys and gals who may be willing to touch you later in the bathing suit area. Do some research on which clubs may interest you the most (or serve the most drinks), or the ones that you think will have the most attractive people. Avoid words such as "dungeons," "dragons," and "leprosy," and look for clubs and institutions that use words such as "fest," "mania," and "anonymous."

Although you'll only be spending a few brief months here, you may want to consider attending a few classes. While you may find a few of them boring, and the seats somewhat uncomfortable, many of them are known to show movies! Nevertheless, you're not going to have the slightest idea as to what's going on, so I suggest that you sit far in the back. It may be the oldest trick in the book, but no professor knows of this secret. I'm just going to assume that none of them are reading this at the moment.

Yes, college may not be for everybody, and for those of you who know this, I hope that my plan will allow you go down in a fabulous tailspin of shame and disappointment, leaving me with another optional parking space. And if college has taught you anything, it should be that you can learn all kinds of silly words and phrases here, such as "syllabus," "ombudsperson," "provost," and "degree in communications." Enjoy!