the trifecta of self-absorption
Do you remember what the Internet was like back in 1995? When someone told you they had a web page, you would just assume that it was one of the many “personal pages” prevalent at that time. It would probably have a jumbled collection of photos with the ubiquitous star field background, and text that would be rendered impossible to read on said background. Looking at one of these web sites, you’d probably think it was harmless, or even a bit cute. Then you would lean back, sip your Fruitopia, turn up your Alanis Morissette CD and think to yourself, “Isn’t it ironic?” mainly because the Canadian singer got that word oh so very wrong.

As time passed and the Internet grew up, rather than writing about their new babies, litters of puppies, or in some rare cases, litters of babies, people instead chose to create failed businesses that nearly destroyed the American economy, but did produce some great deals on electronics and home appliances. Yes, aside from all of the rampant child pornography, credit card scams, and sexual predators, the Internet was gradually improving, and worthwhile if only for the ability to buy DVDs at five dollars below retail cost.

Today, however, these personal pages that clotted the early years of the internet are back in a highly-organized form which I call “The Trifecta of Self-Absorption.” The Trifecta consists of three culprits: LiveJournal, FaceBook, and MySpace. And if you’re in college, there’s no doubt that you’ve heard of at least one of these three; they’re beginning to make the “me generation” look like a bunch of Mother Teresas in power ties. Let’s investigate.

LiveJournal, possibly the most popular of the Trifecta, is much like a regular journal. The main difference between the two is that a regular journal is usually stuffed under a mattress – protected from the prying eyes of those that would wish you harm – and a LiveJournal is located where anyone with a computer can find it: on the Internet. Unfortunately, the majority of people with LiveJournals seem obsessed with writing down the minutiae of the day that the people they talk to tune out in real, non-Internet life.

I would not dare inflict the prison of monotony that is my daily life on the public, which is why, if I used LiveJournal for its intended purposes, it would look something like this:

9/22/2005 3:15 P.M.: Ate peanut butter sandwich with Skippy Crunchy Peanut Butter. When they say the peanut butter is “crunchy,” brother, they ain’t kidding!
9/22/2005 7:03 P.M.: Stared at cell phone for three hours, and it didn’t ring. I surmise that the phone is broken.
9/22/2005 11:37 P.M.: Watched three hours of VH-1’s I Love the 80s. What have I become?! Wait, I Love the 90s is about to come on. Awesome!

Facebook is the second part of the Trifecta. The Facebook service allows college students to share information about homework assignments and term papers through the limitless power of the World Wide Web. And if you believe that, then you probably believe that the Internet is primarily used for research, and not pornography. In reality, Facebook allows you to look up information on, or “stalk,” students in your classes. Do you like that blond girl that sits two seats in front of you? Well, just log on to Facebook, and you can find out her entire schedule, and if you’re lucky, ten to twenty pages of information on her. Seriously, a lot of the people on Facebook write so much about themselves that even a biographer would say, “Jesus Christ, that’s enough!”

MySpace is the last part of the Trifecta, and can be considered the retarded cousin of LiveJournal. The main benefit of MySpace is that it allows amateur bands to share their music, no matter how terrible it may be. Can you play “Louie Louie” on a Theremin? Well, just start up your own MySpace account and inflict it on the public! MySpace is gaining some credibility among the music world, though, as “bands” like Cherry Monroe are now advertising the amount of “MySpace friends” they have on their promotional CDs. I know for a fact that this is a valid judgment of success because, in high school, I proudly wore a t-shirt that displayed the amount of hits my website had received. At the time, the words “Damn, he is fly” were thrown around a lot.

I guess we’re the ones to blame, just because we, as a generation, are always looking for attention. And it is profoundly sad that we have to turn to the Internet for love and recognition. But, you shouldn’t let this article prevent you from visiting my own LiveJournal or FaceBook pages. If I get 100 Internet friends, I’ll become a real boy!