Roughly every five years, a life changing-decision must be made by the young, hip, and possibly socially challenged. As somewhat respectable members of the human race, we must face this dilemma head on, and not falter. Yes, once again, a crossroads has been reached, and it’s not one of those clichéd, unimportant crossroads you hear so much about at high school graduations and commencement ceremonies. The time has come to choose, and choose wisely. After all, three new video game systems are just over the horizon, each one promising to waste time in new and exciting ways!

Just how you should waste your time is an interesting problem begging to be cracked open and have its gooey insides explored. Although you may have already chosen the Playstation 3 as your system of the future due to the fact that Sony is the clear leader of the current console wars, the sheer unpredictability of the industry makes it questionable whether or not Sony will come out on top in the next generation. Just look at Sega; at one point they were a reputable gaming business with a foot in the marketplace. Now they work slaughterhouse night shifts for sub-minimum wage and do unspeakable things in back alleys, like release reprehensible Sonic the Hedgehog games. Being fully informed about the upcoming hardware will insure you won’t reach the same level of colossal failure as Sega, at least as far as gaming is concerned.

Nintendo’s Revolution is the first contender, luckily having a name unlike its predecessor. Clever anti-Nintendo wordsmiths were able to turn “Game Cube” into “Gay Cube,” but transforming “Revolution” into “Gayvolution” is just childish, and frankly, uncreative. Upon looking at the Revolution, the first thing most people will say about the system’s controller is, “Jumping Jehosephat!” Yes the Revolution’s controller will have you shouting out old-timey prospector exclamations based on just how different it is from everything else. The controller is wireless, it looks like a remote (for maximum lose-ability between couch cushions), and the promotional video for it showed that the controller’s main function is to make the user look like a flailing idiot. Video gaming has never been about dignity, though, so the tilt, turn, and twist features of the Revolution controller are fine by me.

With the Playstation 3, Sony really doesn’t have to try. Let’s face it, the company could add upgrades as superficial as the roster updates to EA’s yearly Madden milkings and gamers would still be all over it. The PS3 looks to be a more powerful version of the PS2, except that it has a glossy new coat of silver paint and the controller now resembles a boomerang. My only wish for the new Playstation system is for the hardware to not be as fragile as a newborn baby’s skull, which was the case with the PS2. Unless placed in a hyperbaric chamber, free of any and all airborne particles, any PS2 is destined to quickly fizzle out and die. I’m hoping that if the PS3 is designed with the same planned obsolescence of the PS2, Sony will at least have the foresight to include a giant inflatable bubble for the purposes of playing their shoddy hardware. Yes, getting oxygen into the bubble may be a problem, but suffocating while playing the continued adventures of Solid Snake should be considered an honorable death.

The name “XBOX 360” doesn’t make much sense to me, because no matter how many marketing buzzwords Microsoft may hurl in my direction, “360” implies that the company is going in a circle and ending where they started. When you look at Microsoft’s business plan, I guess it does make a little sense, as their “XBOX is a money hole and we’re not going to make a profit until the mid 2050s” plan is just as confused as their naming scheme. With the amount of money they’re throwing away, I’m a little upset that a summer estate in the Hamptons is not going to be included with purchase, but such is the life of a gamer. Microsoft is planning on releasing their system first, despite not having a stellar collection of launch games, and a system whose architecture is so complicated, most programmers grunt and angrily stroke their beards in the system’s direction. If this discourages you, just think: in four to five years, you may be able to play the next Halo! Maybe.

I haven’t made a choice in the matter, but I have decided to play the original Super Mario Brothers in my basement while the three new systems duke it out above ground. When the dust clears, I’ll purchase the winner. Or maybe I’ll just continue squishing turtles and eating mushrooms with the 8-bit Italian duo. Should it ever become an Olympic sport, I’m in.