satan, mr. roboto, and me
Occasionally at The Jambar, we receive mysterious envelopes- the contents of which are so amazing that 15-page full-color spreads are commissioned in their honor. Actually, that's only a half-truth. Most of what we get consists of promotional material for shows on the WB; even if we did want to write about these programs, they would undoubtedly be cancelled before any of us could finish a paragraph. It's the nature of show business, and also what I like to call "Wayans Poisoning."

Recently, however, our luck with these "special" deliveries spiked, and a cassette containing insane ramblings about Satan speaking through rock and roll came into our HQ. And, after giving it a listen, I decided on sharing this preacher's message with those of you who have yet to accept me as your personal savior.

Now, with the way professional musicians get screwed on a daily basis - and you can interpret this statement however you choose - I thought Satan being a major force in the music industry was obvious. Yet, Mr. Preacher (or Reverend Anonymous as I like to call him) doesn't make a very convincing argument. Rev. Anonymous blames bands like Styx and ELO for doing the work of Satan, and now that (I'm guessing) twenty or so years have passed since his oration, we can see that Styx and ELO have brought only kitsch upon our culture. Seeing what these bands have accomplished for Satan makes the Rev's argument hold less water than one of those super-soaker key chains.

Perhaps I should explain his problem specifically. When playing some of these songs that the preacher mentions backwards, subliminal Satanic messages can be heard, if you give about 1,000 feet of phonetic slack. According to Rev. Anonymous, ELO brings us the subliminal gem "Christ is infernal." It sounded more like the order box at Hardee's telling me to pull up to the next window, but I decided to humor the Rev. a bit longer.

Rev. Anonymous also states that Styx, who is most famous for being helped by Mr. Roboto, has "Satan, he is god" embedded into one of their songs. Now, this was news to me. Was Satan running for the office of god? Was this one of those ironic "Dewey defeats Truman" moments, with Satan's prediction making him look the fool? Now, I haven't read The Bible, but at this point in time I think popular belief among Christians is that god is god. Despite this, the Rev. predicts that when the Anti-Christ shows up, everyone will be brainwashed into thinking that punk is god, thanks to good ol' Styx. I knew classic rock stations would eventually bring about the apocalypse.

With all of this talk of Satan speaking through rock, it seems kind of ridiculous that Satan did not elevate ELO and Styx to levels of fame higher than they currently reside at. And, if it's true that they did put messages in their music, it might have been wiser for them to steer away from Satan and put in messages like: "Please keep buying our records because we don't want to play goddamn rib burn-offs in twenty years."

According to Rev. Anonymous, the popularity of "Stairway to Heaven" is not just due to the Satanic messages within, but also because Satan helped write it. Now this makes perfect sense to me, as I've always hated the song due to the fact that learning it is mandatory should you decide to play guitar. Open your eyes, people! Clearly, it's the work of the devil!

Amid all of the talk of gloom and doom, Rev. Anonymous also shows that backwards messages can also be found in Christian music but they - and hold onto your little plastic priest collars for this one - contain positive messages. In looking at this redundancy, I have to question the point of it all. Putting subliminal messages about god being awesome in Christian songs is like hiding meat inside of a hamburger. Maybe those hidden positive messages are just there for the listeners who want to be extra sanctimonious: "You know this song about how god rocks? Well, if you play it backwards, it tells you he rocks even harder. Truly, I am living on the edge! But not the edge that the Satanists in Aerosmith speak of."

Ultimately, I felt that the Rev was a bit misguided, but his tape did get me thinking about Satanism. I thought, "Why be influenced subliminally when I could join the ranks of Satan out of my own free will?" Looking over the paperwork, however, I've since decided that I like my own brand of hedonism, without ritual and dress code. And if you still think I'm doing the work of Satan, check this out: "Bob" is a palindrome. Did I just blow your minds?