shaq, bestiality and chin butts: one scary night
Every Halloween, we recluses are plagued with visitors in the form of mobs of children, pounding at our doors, demanding candy in exchange for their sick “holiday protection.” I’m not one to kowtow to the demands of sticky little punks who have not yet been broken by the harsh realities of life, but my options are limited. I could huddle in the darkness of a faux-empty house, keeping silent and praying that the little brats and their minivan-driving parents don’t catch onto my ruse, but that’s what I like to call “more boring than ‘The Prairie Home Companion.’” Instead of cowarding out, I’ve decided to have a marathon of scary movies at my place, the intent being that my nightmarish screams of terror from watching said movies will cause the little glucose rats to scamper back to their ranch houses and race car beds. My choices, which may seem inappropriate at first, will keep children out of sight even more than an amber alert. I recommend that you watch the following in order to have your very own non-silent night:

Armageddon (1998) – Ben Affleck plays a chin-butted retard, which is not a big stretch for him, being a chin-butted retard. If having to watch Ben Affleck spout out one-liners and attempt to act his way out of a wet paper bag isn’t scary enough for you, just remember this: Ben Affleck won an Oscar. And it wasn’t even in the appropriate field of mediocrity! Also, watching him rub his sweaty body and animal crackers over Liv Tyler should produce more projective vomit than any devil-possessed little girl ever could. The real bone-chilling truth behind this movie, though, is that if a meteor really was headed towards earth, our President would probably send his own oil drilling squad up into space; not to destroy the meteor, mind you, but to see if that thing was full of oil. Civilization be damned!

Howard the Duck (1986) – Have you ever wanted to see Lea Thompson have sex with a duck? If you answered “yes” to this question, either a.) shoot yourself, preferably in the head, or b.) get really drunk and watch an episode of “Caroline in the City,” then shoot yourself. If anthropomorphic bestiality doesn’t make you break out in a cold sweat, just remember this: while George Lucas sat on his hands for 15 years with the Star Wars franchise, he had the time to make Howard the Duck. Star Wars fans may suffer from a twisted version of Stockholm Syndrome, but even they should be calling for George’s head, because of his preference for duck sex over space battles. Personally, after watching Howard the Duck, I couldn’t sleep for weeks without seeing phantom ducks come after me with lust in their eyes.

Battlefield Earth (2000) – It’s like Scientology, but in movie form! If you don’t start shrieking like a cheerleader as the movie clumsily attempts to promote this “religion,” then you’re not human.

Kazaam (1996) – Remember when Shaquille O’ Neal was a movie star? And a rap star? And a practicer of “Shaq-Fu?” Well, I don’t, but Kazaam brings back memories of when America trusted the 30-foot tall basketballer to do more than make a shiny round thing go in a hole. So why is Kazaam so frightening? If the concept of having to sit through a movie with a rapping genie doesn’t make you pee your pants just a little, witnessing Shaq try to utter complicated lines such as “I am Kazaam” will. It’s like watching a blind monkey try to build a house out of scorpions; you feel bad for him, but there’s no way in hell that he deserves your help. Having no direction for my empathy, I began cutting myself halfway through the movie, and by the time it was over, I had the script for Kazaam 2 etched into my left arm. Spoiler alert: he dies at the end of the sequel.

The Notebook (2004) – Sadly, The Notebook is not about a killer notebook from outer space that eats children. Instead, it’s a barrel full of treacle from the sticky pen America’s favorite sap-producer, Nicholas Sparks. If you don’t think this movie is scary –and this is for the fellas- try watching it with your girlfriend. Not only will you have to discuss such foreign concepts as “emotions,” your love will pale in comparison to the story of two star crossed lovers who are like Romeo and Juliet, but not very interesting due to their lack of double-suicide. If you do not fear the phrase, “We have to talk,” after seeing The Notebook, you will.

Popeye (1980) – Shelley Duvall as a love interest?! Shelley Duvall singing?! Is it possible to be so stricken with terror that you vomit inside your own body?

Just a disclaimer: before you go through with this Halloween movie mania, my only advice is to drink, and drink a lot. I can’t be held responsible for what happens, but hopefully by the next morning you’ll have either forgotten it all, or be dead from alcohol poisoning. In either case, you’re better off.