Entry tags:

jambar, politics

in crust we trust

Although there’s been much ado about the withdrawal of candidate Harriet Miers for a seat on the Supreme Court, the truth is that this minor goof-up won’t even make it as a footnote of a footnote in history. Let’s face it, the somewhat-annual return of the McRib sandwich at McDonald’s is more historically important than President Bush selecting another one of his buddies to fill one of our country’s most important positions. This rampant nepotism isn’t just exclusive to the President, though. I think at one point or another, we’ve all had our friends weasel us into a job, and it turns out to be much more than we can handle; this eventually leads to hundreds of thousands of people dying, even if the job is as meager as assistant fry cook at Applebee’s. For this reason, Harriet should count her blessings. If another Roe v. Wade controversy exploded in the Supreme Court, she would expand into a permanent frump - frumpier than her usual frump - and start screaming, “I don’t know what to do, I was Texas Lottery Commissioner, for Christ’s sake! Can’t we just solve this with Scratch N’ Match?” And no amount of stylish pantsuit would save her.

The real question is, now that Harriet is out of the picture, who will we, as a country, choose to sit in the probably-expensive chair of a Supreme Court justice? The bad news is that no one cares what we, as a country, think. It’s the President’s job to choose Supreme Court candidates, and unfortunately, we’ve seen that quite a few of his decisions have led to the deaths of thousands upon thousands of innocent people. Talk about a blooper reel! Remember that time Howard Dean got excited and yelled a little? We all laughed and said, “Oh, screamy, you can’t be President!” Little did we know, Bush Jr.’s gaffes would end up making “Apocalypse Now” look like “Ernest in the Army.”

I have a feeling that, due to my harsh judgement of the President, the FBI is reading and has me on “chartreuse alert” status, so I’m hoping that they can pass on my very own Supreme Court recommendation to George W. Bush. A college newspaper with a negative opinion of the President is by no means groundbreaking, but keep in mind that I’m trying to make Bush look better with this new, unexpected candidate. That’s why I hereby nominate: This Sandwich.

Laugh all you want, chuckles. This Sandwich has a record more spotless than even the most home-schooled of children. This Sandwich is good people; do you know how I know this? I don’t just go way back with This Sandwich, I created it. And by “created it,” I don’t mean that I fashioned an identity of power and prestige for This Sandwich. No, I physically created This Sandwich yesterday morning, applying two pieces of bread to a piece of cheese. Going back to This Sandwich’s spotless record, just think about everything that you’ve done from yesterday morning until right now. You have to have done at least three semi-terrible things that would eventually disqualify you from holding any public office in the future; remember, we live in a country where being a war hero can make people wag their fingers in shame. When questioned on the subject of its military record, This Sandwich – being an inanimate object – had nothing to say. You see, This Sandwich just wants to make everyone happy!

And it’s just this almost-comatose middle-of-the-road stance that makes This Sandwich stand out so much. Why, even if you physically flip-flop This Sandwich, its stance remains the same. People gave Harriet Miers guff for filling out a Senate Judiciary Committee questionnaire which only showed that her stance on everything was unclear, and also that many people mistook her for Barbara Walters in areas with poor lighting. Not so with This Sandwich; while it does strongly resemble Barbara Walters, its stance on everything is the same: “no comment.” How could that possibly offend anyone? And if you demanded to know This Sandwich’s stance on abortion, you’d be asking me to use the words “abortion” and “sandwich” in the same sentence. That’s disgusting, and quite frankly, I think I’m better than that.

Taking a look at what This Sandwich is made out of, we can see that it’s clearly a part of America. From its white bread to its non-cheese food product, This Sandwich promises to make you just a little bit fatter should you ingest it. The fact that This Sandwich is made out of perishable goods and cheese-flavored plastic squares may seem detrimental, but I assure you that its food status makes This Sandwich stand head and shoulders above the rest. Usually, we have to wait for the crusty old Supreme Justices to keel over before we can get a new one, and this takes about thirty to forty years. This Sandwich is guaranteed to last a week, tops, before another suitable Sandwich with no opinion on anything takes its place. It’s the perfect system!

I encourage Bush to take consider This Sandwich for a seat on the Supreme Court. I only ask that he ignore the fact that, at the moment, This Sandwich is getting high in my bathroom with rejected Supreme Court Nominee Douglas Ginsberg.