stay home: your guide to the holiday movie season
Christmas break is just over the horizon, and this period of freedom entails more than being released from the suction-cupped tentacles of school and having an excuse to drink hard liquor during the day. During the cold and lonely December days, the Hollywood machine knows that at one point we will all be aching to leave the house, either for entertainment or to avoid developing more bedsores. To accommodate this demand, a slew of movies are released every holiday season, most of them being heaps of garbage not even the most diseased raccoon would feel compelled to rummage through. Should you waste your time on these piles, and also spend 20 dollars on 39 cents’ worth of movie theater food? Looking at the options, it should be clear that your safest bet this holiday season is to stay far away from any cinema, and avoid the propaganda of Front Row Joe. Here are the culprits:

King Kong (12/14): I know what you’re thinking: “But it’s Peeeter Jaaackson!” Yes, the once morbidly-obese director may have taken all of the fruity parts out of the “Lord of the Rings” books and made the good parts come alive with fancy special effects on the silver screen, but that still doesn’t give me a reason to not be disappointed in him wasting his immense talents on a remake. I agree that it’s probably going to be better than the 1976 version, but so would a bag of cat vomit. If you still have a fervent devotion to Jackson, put away your Elvin sword replicas (guaranteed to go up in value) and listen to me: Legolas will not be appearing in “King Kong.” Probably.

Cheaper by the Dozen 2 (12/21): If you missed the November release of “Yours, Mine, and Ours,” take the revolver out of your mouth, because there’s a new movie about another family with nightmarishly large cabal of children that should give you hope for the future. Steve Martin stars in the sequel to the completely unnecessary 2003 film, trading in any credibility he might’ve had by once again sharing the screen with Disney Channel-manufactured robot Hillary Duff. With the casting of stars that appeal to various demographics, “Cheaper 2” looks like it’ll be appealing to every member of the family, meaning that it will entertain no one. My hope is that “Cheaper 3” will involve some sort of post-apocalyptic Thunderdome scenario where the various children are forced to fight to the death for their parents’ love and/or cash prizes.

Fun with Dick and Jane (12/21): Remember when everyone thought Jim Carrey was a hoot? I was once fond of him, but then again I was 12 years old, and puberty can do strange things to a boy’s body. Jim Carrey, whose career should have ended with the cloyingly sappy “Liar, Liar,” plays a white collar Schmoe –along with screen wife and David Duchovny ornament Téa Leoni- forced into a life of crime. Based on the trailer, it seems like a lot of the comedy in this movie is hinged upon puns on the name “Dick,” so this may be the movie for you if you think that the “Fokker” franchise is too intellectual.

Hoodwinked (12/23): Mix the pandering pop-culture references of the Shrek franchise with the animation quality of the Dire Straits “Money for Nothing” video, and you get “Hoodwinked,” an animated mess that will hopefully be forgotten by January 1st. “Hoodwinked” is a fresh, contemporary take on the Little Red Riding Hood story; fresh in this case meaning trends from the early 1990s have been co-opted, making the granny character from the original story “extreme” in the “Mountain Dew” sense of the word. Kids will probably eat this up, and I recommend that you punish them physically if they do, perhaps by playing a game of “who can hit the softest.” I’m no advocate of abuse, but good taste should be reinforced during childhood!

The Producers (12/25): Have you ever wanted to live in a world where the genius Gene Wilder is replaced by milquetoast leading man Matthew Broderick? Well, this new adaptation of “The Producers” is here to grant your Christmas wish, and as a bonus stocking stuffer you also get the histrionic antics of shrieking gerbil Nathan Lane! If watching a movie based on a musical based on a movie is a little too much for you, don’t follow my example; personally, I’m waiting to eat the fruit pie based on the shampoo based on the board game. In fact, with the chain this new “Producers” production has set up, I see all future entertainment, food, and pets as being “Producers” related in some way. When you look up from your bowl of “Producers-Os” (with marshmallow Nathan Lanes) at the horrible state of the world, don’t forget that I warned you.

With all of the horrible choices available, I recommend that you make none of them and instead drown in a ravine of nostalgia by watching “The Goonies” non-stop during Christmas break. Just like that movie’s theme song states through the lovely voice of Cyndi Lauper, I think you “R Good Enuff” to follow my advice. And, if you want to send me a tithe of what you would have spent on going out, I would not discourage this in the least bit.