love hurts, love songs kill
Until I heard the song “MacArthur Park,” I had a nasty habit of leaving cakes out in the rain; this not only ruined my career as a caterer, but it also left me with dozens of salty, soggy cakes which I couldn’t even feed to birds. Richard Harris’s haunting tune about cake upkeep may have taught me valuable lessons, but many songs lead ignorant listeners astray with impractical advice that can only lead to full-scale disaster if followed. Love songs are especially misleading in this regard, showcasing implausible scenarios that could only happen in the mind of the musician, or in the case of modern pop music, the minds of the boardroom full of middle-aged executives who wrote the lyrics.

In the case of the red-headed stepchild of the music industry, Clay Aiken, this impractical advice deals with the misuse of the powers of invisibility. Setting up a world where he is, in fact, invisible, he shows his listeners that he has absolutely no idea how to use his newly-found superpowers. Here is an excerpt from his song, “Invisible:”

If I was invisible
Then I could just watch you in your room

Hardly a lofty goal for someone who is invisible; in fact, with a properly placed tree branch, one can easily become an Aikenistic voyeur, and can even bring video equipment while keeping in mind the strength of the support and also if there are any nearby escape bushes. A better use for invisibility in the case of Clay would be come up with a cool new invisibility-related supervillain name such as “Aiken’t See You,” eliminate any competition for this hypothetical girl, and then seek a cure for invisibility once all the homicide is out of the way. It’s completely practical, and do you honesty think the police are going to take any calls about an invisible murdered seriously? They won’t, I’ve tried it.

Moving on to the world of R&B, most people know Whitney Houston as the world’s most famous bag lady. But did you know she actually used to be a musician? It’s true. Taking a look at the terrible advice given in her 90s hit “I Will Always Love You” should prove why everything she does today is now considered an “episode:”

I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of.
And I wish to you, joy and happiness.
But above all this, I wish you love.

Not only does this song paint a picture of a mutual breakup, but it also depicts a breakup where both parties are completely diplomatic; both sheer impossibilities. Houston shows that there is honor in becoming a well-wisher, rather than turning all of those who wronged you into your mortal enemies. What Whitney doesn’t know is that this is the coward’s way out, and that keeping your exes around as friends not only demonstrates your spinelessness, but it also shows that you lack capacity for both spite and revenge, the only two characteristics the separate us from animals.

Staying in the realm of R&B, which seems particularly good at misdirection, the perennial Boyz II Men hit “I’ll Make Love to You,” which is still probably being inappropriately played at middle school dances, features a particularly misguided male character telling his lady friend:

I'll make love to you
Like you want me to
And I'll hold you tight
Baby all through the night

The first mistake he makes is lovemaking on someone else’s terms without first doing research. Not only can this lead to awkwardness, but it can be followed by serious medical problems and/or walking discomfort after the act. I haven’t even touched upon the fact that the phrase “I’ll make love to you” sounds more like an omen than the sweet talk of lovers. No one can succeed by being that direct. Only through weeks of awkward, stilted conversation can a guy find out if his girlfriend has a boyfriend. After that, a series of discussions relating to future sexual congress may take weeks, or even months to negotiate.

So, on this Valentine’s Day, should you be lucky enough to have a guy or gal that you are sweet on, I recommend taking your cues from large, obstinate bald men like Dr. Phil, instead of popular music. Not only will you avoid falling into the traps I have outlined, but you’ll win the respect of Oprah. And, when it all boils down, isn’t that more important than love?