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jambar

(Vice) President Evil
This article was so relevant, The Jambar put it in today's editorial section! Holy cow! See if you can find the point I was trying to make!

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It’s dark. You’re in Washington D.C., taking in a bit of the nightlife, and seeing sights such as the world-famous Lincoln monument, provoking questions in you such as, “Will there ever be a greater man?” and, “I wonder how late the bars are open?” Before you can buy another Lincoln-dog and get your picture taken in the giant President’s lap, you hear a rustling off in the distance. “Hello?” Your question goes unanswered. Before you can relocate your tour group, you hear a distinct wheezing and feel warm, whiskey-tainted breath on the back of your neck. You spin around on weak ankles, making eye contact with the monster; for a brief second, it seems almost human. Then the bone-chilling truth hits you just as the lead rips through your torso. You’ve been shot by the Vice President.

This scenario may have been a work of “comedy” in the past, but an armed assault by the Vice President has recently become a very plausible scenario. After all, Dick Cheney is technically a cyborg, and all cyborgs eventually turn on their human masters; it’s just that none have reached the status of Vice President up until this point. And because of this, Dick Cheney’s abuse of power has gone unchecked, causing him to “accidentally” shoot an old man in the face. In my opinion, this infraction could easily slippery slope its way to Mr. Cheney wandering the streets of D.C., armed to the teeth, smelling of various spiced rums, and murdering everyone in his path. Women, children, short men; it matters not to Cheney. All will be destroyed unless we, the people of America (a subsidiary of Kraft Foods) take matters into our own hands.

What Henry Whittington, Cheney’s most recent victim, didn’t realize is that, despite his rather Rubenesque physique, the Vice President is actually a creaky old man. Henry Whittington seems to be creakier, though, so if you are 78 years old, you may want to consult your caretaker before defending yourself against the Vice President. But, if you are a young college student, prone to violence and not afraid to commit what many judges would label as “treason,” I have a few words for you.

Cheney attacks from afar, but his weakness is that he is transported to all of his assault sites by way of limo. If you see any limos in your general area, the Vice President may be around and out for the taste of your sweet, sweet, blood. Don’t panic; drop to the ground and immediately search the area for a plump man brandishing some sort of firearm. If you hear the mutterings of what sounds like a feral goose coming from a nearby area, try to locate Cheney and get behind him. Once you give the standard Cheney attraction call of, “Go fuck yourself,” you will no doubt have the Vice President’s attention.

You’re in luck, because, as he was not enrolled in any kind of formal army training, and only possesses the fighting skills of a rich white businessman, the Vice President is as weak as a pile of kittens stuck together with some sort of adhesive. There’s no need for you to overexert yourself; disarming the president can be as humiliating as sissy-slapping whatever rifle or pistol he happens to be jamming in your gut at the time. If he happens to be carrying a musket, allow him a free shot; it will probably go many feet to the left or the right of you –given the serious design flaws of muskets- and while he’s busy packing gunpowder back into the barrel with a steel rod, you can take the time to kick it out of his hands, or perhaps have a light lunch at an outdoor bistro. Treat yourself to some kind of festive drink; you deserve it!

Once you’ve disarmed Mr. Cheney, your first instinct may be to perform a citizen’s arrest, or possibly alert a local policeman of the attack. Sadly, as with most villains in political thrillers, the Vice President is above the law. Your only chance to create a peaceful future for humanity is to use illogical statements to confuse or explode his robot brain into submission, a fine tactic to use against machines seen in realistic depictions of the future such as “Star Trek” and “Homeboys from Outer Space.” Some useful illogical statements include, “There is a link between Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden,” “The Iraqis will greet us as liberators,” and “ ‘My Humps’ is actually a popular song that has yet to cause brain disease in humans.”

It may seem like an extreme to prepare for something that may have such a small chance of happening, but history will prove that only militias armed with our second amendment right will be able to take the Vice President down once the new “giant robots for Vice Presidents” bill passes through the Senate. We’re lucky that such technology didn’t exist in 1910 when Vice President James S. Sherman attacked President William Howard Taft with a crossbow. Thankfully, the President was too fat to sustain any serious injuries from the attack, but modern fat levels are no match for the weaponry of today. My advice? Be prepared.