presidential fun facts (believe it…or else!)
President’s Day was Monday, and if you’re not exactly sure of the holiday’s true meaning, it’s a day when Americans come together and local businessmen dress up in powdered wigs and beards while slashing prices on waterbeds, all in celebration of the birthdays of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. Of course, the two Presidents were not born on the same day, which is kind of a bummer for both of them; if you think sharing a birthday with someone so close to Christmas isn’t a travesty, then you obviously haven’t been bled to death or shot in the head.

This is one of the reflections that came to my mind after the traditional American President’s Day binge drink and detox center visit, and with it came many more. For example, thanks to my pre-college education in the American school system, I’ve been privy to many amazing facts about the fine men who have run our country that many may not know. And, despite the best interests of a certain “history” department, I will share these amazing facts on this very day. You’ll believe it… or else!

• The dollar amount on paper money actually corresponds with the President on it, indicating where the person on the bill falls within the chronology of the presidency. For example, Washington was the first President, Lincoln was the fifth, and Ben Franklin will be President sometime around the year 2300.
  
  
• Washington commissioned the first Washington Monument shortly before his death as part of the United States’ first space program. His remains were to be launched from the giant structure into space, where Heaven was widely believed to be located. Unfortunately, although his servants packed his remains for the trip, they neglected to pack any of his finely carved antique furniture or his collection of bean bag chairs. A second Washington Monument was built in the late 1800s as a tribute to how uncomfortable the President must be in the afterlife.
  
  
• Thomas Jefferson thought the Louisiana Purchase was a steal, but suffered a crippling bout of buyer’s remorse when he realized how much of the Purchase included the South. He offered France most of what we now know as Mexico, but Jefferson couldn’t even return the Purchase for store credit. France used this money to build the Eiffel Tower, which, in movies that take place in France, can be seen from any point in the country.
  
  
• John Wilkes Booth’s infamous words upon the shooting of Lincoln were actually, “Sic semper tyrannosaurus rex!” The assassin was very high on ether and was merely trying to protect the audience from Abraham Lincoln, who he thought 20 feet tall and king of the dinosaurs.
  
  
• Apparently, for four years, some guy named Franklin Pierce was President. I’m not even joking. Don’t tell me that you’ve actually heard of him. He’s not even real.
  
  
• The 1908 election was the first time the Presidential election was decided with an eating contest. William Howard Taft ate thirteen steak and kidney pies before he even knew an eating contest was going on, and, in doing this, triumphed over William Jennings Bryan, who was so afraid of Taft’s cavernous mouth that he refused to approach the eating platform unless cannons were aimed in the direction of Mr. Taft at all times. After his victory, President Taft spent most of his term in the bathtub, which may have started World War I.
  
  
• Martin Van Buren grew his world-famous ostentatious sideburns as the result of a bet, and even after getting the money he kept them because he was a total jackass.
  
  
• Calvin Coolidge was so lazy that he was accidentally pronounced dead eight times during his presidency. He also had to have his legs removed due to complete muscle atrophy.
  
  
• Because grade-A jerk Woodrow Wilson is dead and the Sedition Act has been repealed, you can now say terrible and hurtful things about the former President. For example, Woodrow Wilson has a face that looks like a catcher’s mitt and he would regularly shop in convenience stores located in poor immigrant communities using the only amount of currency with his face on it, the 100,000 dollar bill. He would slide the bill over the counter towards the poor, starving shopkeeper, and say, “You see this rich guy on this bill here? Well, he’s hungry for some steak!”
  
  
• Lyndon B. Johnson actually kept track of how many kids he killed in the Vietnam War, and that catchy protest chant featuring his name was not a result of unrest, but rather a request for data.
  
  
• Ronald Reagan not only called his wife Nancy by the creepy moniker “Mommy,” he also used this word to identify 90% of the people, animals, colors, and concepts around him. This is why from 1983 to 1987 the State of the Union address was replaced by the “State of the Mommy.”
  
  
• In 2004, current President George W. Bush was actually preferred and elected by the majority of Americans! Holy wow!