between iraq and a hard place
Dear Saddam,

How are you? I am fine. I'm just kicking back in The Great Satan (Ohio, which I am guessing is The Great Satan's right shoulder - please get back to me on this), playing Metal Gear Solid 3 on my Playstation 2. You ever check that out? Oh, I guess that's kind of a stupid question. You seem like you'd be more into puzzle games. If so, you should really check out that Sudoku stuff. My mom thinks it's a hoot! Maybe you can grab one of those books at the prison gift shop. No looking in the back and cheating, buddy! But I kid.

I should probably let you know that you are my first pen pal. Yeah, I had the option to get one back in grade school, but I opted not to because that would mean writing awkward letters to some foreigner who didn't even know about the Ninja Turtles, let alone how much better Raphael was compared to the rest of those green losers. But, you seem to be pretty on the ball, and - more importantly - you're famous, which should give me some buzz in the pen pal world. And let me tell you, once we get our pictures on the cover of "Pen Pal Monthly," we'll have finally made it. I mean, I write for a college newspaper, and you have killed countless numbers of your own people - these are both things we'd like to overcome.

I have to admit that, until recently, I didn't find you that interesting. I would see you on television, looking stoic and occasionally firing rifles into the air, and all I could think was, "boooring." It wasn't until we declared war on your country, killed your sons (just look at it as a few less Christmas presents you'll have to buy) and pulled you out of that spider hole when I said, "Hey! He looks just like Tom Hanks in 'Cast Away!'" Then I remembered that "Cast Away" wasn't very good, and I became even more bored and also irritable. By the way, were there really spiders in that hole? Because, if not, I think "spider hole" is a really stupid name. A few days ago, I was driving, and I thought there was a spider in my car, but it was really on the outside of my windshield. Talk about a close call!

Since your capture, Saddam, you've been so darn entertaining and - dare I say - adorable? Every day I check the news to see your latest antics at the wackiest war crimes trial in the Middle East. It's way better than "Law & Order," despite the absence of the "Law & Order" noise that lets us know that the justice system is working. I love when the judge is like, "Hey prisoner," and then you say, "What prisoner? I am the President of Iraq!" And then the judge says, "No, you are a prisoner," to which you reply, "No, now I'm the judge and I sentence you to life as a jerk - whoops, looks like someone already did that!" Okay, you never said that last part, but you can borrow that from me if you want. Your eruptions are great but they lack that Chandler-esque zing that we Americans love. Also, if the judge says, "Order in the court!" make sure you respond with, "I'll have a ham and Swiss on rye!" That may be stolen from The Three Stooges, but they are dead, and that line is classic. Just don't do any "A Few Good Men" references. Those are totally played out.

I've got a bone to pick with you, though. This may be a bit critical for a pen pal, but I believe in honesty. Saddam, we spent more than $300 billion to invade your country and take out the weapons you didn't have, which was an awesome burn, by the way, and I can't help but feel like we're getting a little ripped off. That's a lot of cash, and even though our future children will have to pay it off, and they're too poor and unborn to do anything about it, I'm still a little miffed. Here in America, we pay crazy people like Tom Cruise to play pretend for 90 minutes, and all we give him is a lousy $20 million. For what it cost to capture you, is it too much to ask for you to carry a flattened cardboard box into that giant crib they put you in and bust some phat breakdancing moves? Just pretend you're spinning on all of those infidels you can't stop blabbing about. Maybe you can smash some watermelons or something, too. Gallagher may have had his day over here, but his style of comedy could be a breakthrough for you guys if you'd just give it a chance!

Listen to me, being a Negative Nancy. I didn't mean to get you down, Beardo (that's your new nickname). In fact, you should be happy to know that I've been so entertained that I've begun to pitch a new reality show to various networks starring you. It's going to be called "Who's Occupied Now?" and it's a "The Real World"-type show where you live in a jail cell with our very own President. Let's face it, when it comes to the deaths of thousands upon thousands of innocent people, he's awesome - and responsible! Tensions would rise as you would both try to make each other look worse, leaving the viewer to deicide as they vote in an "American Idol" fashion. There'll be more tension than that time on "The Real World 3" when Puck ate peanut butter out of the jar and made AIDS jokes! Also, there will be a tug-of-war contest.

Your Pal,
- Bob

P.S. - Who's the President of Iraq? Take it sleazy, Beardo!