my beef with the church
For Catholics during the Lenten season, it’s tradition to avoid eating red meat on Fridays and specific holy days as an act of humility. Stews, burgers, and the odd turducken are abstained from, and fried fish – at reduced prices - is downed in large quantities to show personal sacrifice, and the fact that Western religions make “fasting” into a gut-busting hedonistic party. Basket upon oily basket of cod was not enough for one Atlanta congregation, though, as St. Patrick’s Day fell on a Friday this year, and parishioners demanded their corn beef, damnation or no. Phone calls were made. Excommunication was considered. Finally, one archbishop made an appeal to God that probably went something like, “Snakes? Ireland? Green beer? Come on, big guy!” and Biblical law was stretched so the faithful could enjoy hot, pink, dripping beef.

This isn’t the first time the word of God was stretched so a bunch of whiners could have their way. Recently, the Church has done away with Limbo, the fun time good place where unbaptized babies go when they die. For a while people were kept sedated with the rationale of, “Well, Limbo is baby exclusive, so it’s not like I’ll be hanging out there.” As time passed, the spookiness of a floating baby dimension creeped people out enough to take action, but I think completely in eliminating limbo, the Church went a little too far. I’ve always had the idea of a theoretical chute that the babies can use to enter Heaven. After all, Limbo was made up, so why can’t the Church do a little imaginary renovating?

It’s this proof of the malleability of Biblical law that has inspired me to create my own lists of requested reinterpretations and favors. I expect response by mail and/or miracle, and in the case of the latter something cool like a train explosion in the shape of a thumbs-up.

• Can you possibly make the Eucharist more filling? Symbolism is great and everything, but it’s no excuse for a balanced meal. When I attended Church, I often thought of getting in line twice for communion, but was too afraid of the reprisal I would face for getting double-salvation. Along with bigger portions, might I also recommend flavors? Creative names like “Cool Ranch Christ” and “Jalapeno Jesus” will land you new members of the T.G.I. Friday’s crowd.
  
  
• Premarital Sex. Don’t you think you’re being a bit of a buzzkill here? You may call it “adultery,” but I call it “something to do after drinking when you try to forget.” Would you rather have me driving around after I get drunk, possibly going to abortion clinics along the way and giving them my support? In a world of instant Heaven for babies, it’s only fair that they should suffer on Earth for about 80 years just like us.
  
  
• I bought this awesome golden statue of a false idol at a garage sale for 80 bucks, and I can’t not worship it! What about if I just did it on Tuesdays?
  
  
• Since the Church is in charge of miracles in this country, how about getting rid of all known diseases? Alright, you don't have to get rid of all of them, just the ones I might get. I’m so terrified of prostate cancer that I would do something unthinkably awful - like converting to Scientology - if I was promised safety. On this same subject, could you also make it so no more babies are born inside-out? It’s beginning to make people question the existence of God.
  
  
• Please disassociate yourself with Christian Rock. It’s making you look bad.
  
  
• It would be a good idea if you made listening to Kirk Cameron a sin. He may have defined our generation as the Holden Caulfield of the 80s on the sitcom, “Growing Pains,” but his massive head, as well as creepy confrontational Christianity has let me know what it sounds like when a nation shakes its head “no” in unison. As a motivator, you could also give out 50 dollars in Heaven Funbucks – to be spent in the afterlife – if we strike him.
  
  
• I know there’ve been a lot of arguments between Creationists and Evolutionists. If you can’t agree that mankind has descended from apes, can’t you compromise and agree that we came from a cooler animal, like a raccoon? I sure would like a genetic excuse for my tree-climbing and garbage-eating. Also rabies.
  
  
• Could the Church possibly get a new mascot? I know the crucifix has been tradition, but the image of a guy nailed to something doesn’t exactly scream, “Come on in!” If aliens landed on this planet and judged a Church based on this symbol, they wouldn’t think it was a place of salvation. They would think it was a place where guys are nailed to things, causing them to vaporize our race for being barbarians. I recommend something like the San Diego Chicken.
  
  I know I’ve strayed from the flock, but you guys have been waffling so much that I figure now is as good a time as any to jump back in. And if you don’t think I’m worth it, just remember that Christianity needs jerks to make fun of things, too. Don’t you want me on your side?