Entry tags:

jambar

a man for more seasons
Please note that I'm not crazy, and this was written a week ago when it was actually snowing.

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The recent passing of March 20th marked the beginning of Spring, an event that I can only call a joke on a cosmic level. As I write this, temperatures are in the mid-20s, and people are dying of exposure on cross-campus dogsled expeditions, all for cups of coffee. Wandering polar bears - straying from their Alaskan homes - have camped out in front of our campus-adjacent prison, eating anyone the state would dare to release on “good behavior.” While prison overcrowding is a major problem in America, my main point is that it’s very cold outside, and too cold to be labeled as “Spring.” Sure, scientists may tell you that certain astronomical phenomenon designate our seasons, but most scientists have horrible beards and, therefore, should not be trusted.

Why can’t we adopt a more progressive season system? We’ve produced results on a larger scale, changing our chronological terms B.C. and A.D. to the secular B.C.E and C.E., even though they still use the estimated birth of Jesus as their starting point. After all, not everyone is a Christian, but most people believe that Christians exist and use religious events as a basis of their calendars.

There may not be any God to extract from our current seasons, but I feel that a little more nuance can be added by breaking our year down into more than four parts, and I’ve been kind enough to provide this new system we should follow. Please note that this only applies to the Northern Hemisphere of the Earth, because we are the best hemisphere. You inferior Southern Hemisphere people will just have to deal with your crazy, backwards seasons.

- March and April – “Bi-Polar Bastard” : Starting with where we are now, I designate this season “Bi-Polar Bastard.” During “Bi-Polar Bastard,” one can expect snow, rain hurricanes, tornados, heat stroke, hypothermia, locusts, and nuclear fallout. What’s it going to be like outside today? Roll a die. If the result is greater than zero, you will be completely unprepared. “Bi-Polar Bastard” is a prime example that nature hates us, and that we should contain it as much as possible as well as find a way to make weather illegal.

- May and June – “Habitable Earth” : It is exclusively during “Habitable Earth” that we find living on this planet bearable; unfortunately, it only lasts 1/6th of the year. Most of “Habitable Earth” is spent barbequing, opening pools, and polishing boats, but any delight that could be had during this period is eliminated by the dread of the following season. “Habitable Earth” would be enjoyable if it wasn’t like waking up five minutes before your alarm goes off, terrified by the danger – and mandatory pants-wearing - that will follow getting out of bed.

-July and August – “Interminable Swelter” : Just as we’re enjoying the warm weather, things take an ironic turn as temperatures shoot up to levels where frying things on driveways would be practical if not for the health risks involved. “Interminable Swelter” does have one benefit though – citizens of France use this season to kill large amounts of their elderly. In America, we keep our elderly refrigerated like large slabs of beef, and we’re forced to sit inside with them during these months and listen to them complain about our haircuts.

- September and October- “Prank Summer” : “Prank Summer” is a welcome change from the temperatures of “Interminable Swelter,” but unfortunately this is the time of the year where most of us go back to being trapped inside of buildings. This imprisonment can make even the sanest person look back fondly on the months of July and August, when climbing into a parked car was akin to willingly sitting in a pizza oven. Even if we do make it outside, the shortening days make it so vampires can come out earlier, which is never a good thing for the average vampire-hating Northern Hemispherian.

- November and December – “Stuffsmas” : I really don’t remember anything about these months besides eating a lot and getting presents, so I have dubbed them “Stuffsmas.” During “Stuffsmas,” people are generally too busy dealing with unwanted family members and buying unwanted presents, so the meteorological happenings of “Stuffsmas” are never really noticed.

- January and February – “Absolute Zero” : The direct opposite of “Interminable Swelter,” “Absolute Zero” is slightly better if only because we aren’t encouraged to go outside during this season to burn off several layers of skin. We aren’t completely safe, though; in this season nature literally attacks our roads and walkways with elements that destroy the friction we humans love. I’m a huge fan of friction, as well as traction, but I find it hard to judge “Absolute Zero” so harshly when many of its properties are school-closing. Unfortunately, the college experience is hardly affected by this season; the University doesn’t seem to close unless weather reports include “mother of all storms” and “repent.”

You’ll find that my system is accurate, and in using it you will avoid the frustration of our traditional, inaccurate seasons. Despite all this, we’re still at the mercy of our Sun, which throws things into orbit without even asking. If I had my way, the sun would revolve around us, just like when believing anything other than that was a sin. It’s been bossing us around for far too long.