the hate mail continueth

Dear Jambar,

I have to admit, I normally don’t even look at your paper.  But yesterday, I had about 20 minutes free on campus before the next meeting of my book-burning club.  Satanist – er, I mean satirist – Al Franken tends to write pretty thick books, so I set my stack down on the ground and opened up a nearby Jambar. Hoping to find a paid advertisement from Planned Parenthood inside (my club is always in need of kindling), I found something much worse: the ignorant writings of Bob Mackey.  Wait- I take back that whole “ignorant” thing.  Mr. Mackey clearly knows what he’s doing, and the constant output of filth and lies he spews is just one step closer to his inevitable world domination, and the mass genocide that will follow.  It takes one hero to step forward and shout the truth.  I am that hero.

 And my shouting will be heard.  In print (editor, please publish this letter in all caps).

 At first, I wasn’t sure if Mackey was a regular columnist.  Would a college institution really publish the hateful, nonsensical ramblings of a confused young man?  After getting permission from my pastor to use the Internet, I discovered the answer: a bone-chilling “yes.”  Never before has a single syllable carried so much dread.

 As a student at YSU, I’m used to having my beliefs attacked.  Since my grades weren’t good enough for me to get into Bob Jones University, the sad truth is that I’ll never get my BA in Morality from that fine institution.  The heaps of salt that get added to this wound daily are the challenges I face from the hateful student body at YSU.  Why, just the other day in Biology class many students contested my claim that the earth is only 6,000 years old and that all dinosaur bones were put in the earth as a trick by the Jews.  This is common knowledge!  I thought college was about acceptance and diversity, but every day I find myself being constantly corrected by liberal diatribes and “reputable” journals.  I guess all of those diversity banners I see around campus are lies, so it only makes sense for Mr. Mackey to write for YSU’s filth-rag.

 And what are these lies exactly?  While they are simply too numerous to go into in a simple letter, I have a few examples.  Mr. Mackey’s President’s Day article was a particular lie-fest of hatred for America intended to misinform the poor readers of The Jambar, and probably the most egregious miscarriage of Journalism that I’ve ever seen. 

 In the article, Mackey claims, “Calvin Coolidge was so lazy that he was accidentally pronounced dead eight times during his presidency.  He also had to have his legs removed due to complete muscle atrophy.”  I had my doubts, so I checked out Wikipedia.  They had absolutely nothing about this.  I also asked my cousin Steve, who’s a real whiz with history.  He, too, knew nothing about former President’s Coolidge’s double-amputation.  I even swallowed my pride and consulted a professor in the History Department, the very same professor who tried to tell me that slavery was not a mutual agreement between slaver and slavee.

 When I handed him Mr. Mackey’s article, do you know what this professor did?  He laughed.  And he didn’t just laugh when I pointed out Mr. Mackey’s inconsistency.  He laughed while reading the entire thing.  Did you hear that, Mr. Mackey?  Your journalism is laughable.

 My problem isn’t just with Mr. Mackey’s lies, which will inevitably lead our country into a third World War before the end of the decade.  Mr. Mackey simply criticizes things that he has no right to talk about.  Before I started writing this letter, I thought to myself, “Can I really do this?  After all, I don’t work for a newspaper, therefore I have no right to criticize one.”  This is why I’ve started my own small publication, “Finneus’s Furr-iends,” which will be available in May and contain entertaining stories about my cats.  You see, Mr. Mackey, now that I am a journalist, I have you in my sights.

 I normally wouldn’t worry about the influence of someone like Mr. Mackey on the public, but, like all hate-spewing madmen, insanity is evident in his writings.  In between his agenda-pushing propaganda, Mr. Mackey simply doesn’t make sense!  I consulted one of my English professors, and she told me that these things I didn’t understand are called “metaphors” and “jokes.”  I dismissed this as the equally crazy-ramblings of a woman who – if you can believe this – made me read a book written by a homosexual.  And I don’t know what is considered a joke amongst the great unwashed, but the kind of humor that makes sense to me is lighthearted comments to my co-workers about how I wish it was Friday, and not whatever day it currently is.

 And Marmaduke is funny as well, but I shouldn’t have to tell that to anyone with a pulse!

 My point with this letter is to stop Mr. Mackey’s hate, lies, and insanity before his oppression and intolerance spark a worldwide movement.  Historically, there was no one like me around to question the rise to power of Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin or Bill Clinton.  As a result, millions of Americans were killed.  I don’t think we should use censorship – the tool of Communism – on Bob Mackey.  Rather, we should use torture – the tool of Democracy – to get Mr. Mackey’s writing to stop.

 Finneus V. Shuffleshank IV
Junior, Communications

if you couldn't tell, this was written by me