how to write like me

Every once in a while, some misguided person will ask the question, “Where do your ideas come from?”  And, in response to this, I feel the need to ask, “Where do your questions come from?”  The answer to that is obvious: “The Big Book of Trite Things to Ask People.”  I may sound bitter, but I can answer this infamous question just as much as I can answer “Why is it when you try to sleep, all you can hear is the wailing of the damned?”  At least with that one, I could come up with a more interesting response, including elaborate metaphors that go on and on until the questioner slips away under cover of night.  Instead, I’m forced to dream of a world where ideas can be purchased wholesale in barrels, making my job much, much easier.

On the topic of ideas, a writer always fears when they will run dry.  After a long stretch of articles over time, a regular Jambar reader may ask, “Gee, Bob after outputting two articles a week for so long, like some giant, mangling piece of factory equipment, you must wake up every day only to see the pain of others.”  Then this person may add, “You know, you used to be a lot funnier, and I could have sworn that one of your articles was just a re-typed Chinese take-out menu.” 

This is why I refuse to take part in hypothetical conversations; they can only lead to violent outbursts with imagined conversation partners.  Instead, today I will take you behind the scenes to offer a brief glimpse into my writing process, which will hopefully take up the minimum amount of words required by my employers.

First, we must again return to the subject of ideas.  While I normally don’t have any problems coming up with them, people can’t help but offer their own ideas as topics for my articles.  I often hear things like, “Hey Bob, my foot hurts.  You should write an article about that!” Or, when a well-trod topic covered by comedians – and Jay Leno – comes into conversation, people will often say, “That sounds like a good idea for an article!”  I don’t use these suggestions – not because they’re bad, of course – but because I don’t want to be accused of stealing.

This is why I take all ideas from my friends.  80 percent my jokes you see in print come from sources close to me who would dare express humor in my presence.  They’ve gotten used to my habit of constantly taping them, and over time they’ve begun to look at it as “cute.”  Shaking them by the lapels while screaming, “Be funny, damn it!  Can’t you see I’m living a lie?!” is generally frowned upon, and is why my police reports generally refer to me as a “loner.” 

Once I have a topic, and a handful of misappropriated jokes, I begin to place them in a certain order.  While doing this, I think, “How can I possibly piss off the most people?”  Of course I don’t count all of the subliminal messages I throw in each and every article telling the public which minority group is currently controlling the weather. That would be crazy.  Instead, I use a secret mathematical format to squeeze in the most ignorant, unfounded statements I can into every sentence.  I make sure to plant special land mines for the groups with the biggest persecution complexes, since they often write the best hate mail, and tend to be really creative with dead animals they staple messages to and leave in our offices.  I had never seen a dead muskrat until recently, and I imagine the living ones look very similar when they’re riding around on their little scooters and climbing around in the trees, or whatever it is they do.

Even with a well thought-out article, things can go wrong.  There’s always the chance that I could run out of lies, or simply not feel vitriolic enough to unleash my hate upon the page.  What do I do when I’m tapped out or have an ounce of human compassion left in my heart?    How do I finish an article?

C 7 Cold Sesame Sauce Noodles         $3.25

C 8 Spicy Szechuan Sauce Noodles   $4.25

C 9 Beef Skewer (2)                            $3.95

C 10 Puffed Fantail Shrimp (6) $6.95

C 11 Pineapple Chicken Skewer (2)   $3.75

C 12 Hot Platter (beef skewer, wrapped chicken, spare ribs, fried wonton) $6.95