Entry tags:

jambar

Satire 4000

As the curtain falls on another season of The Jambar, our readers will undoubtedly have no idea what to do with themselves. With only a few weekly issues in the summer followed by long, hot, Jambar-less months, I can already hear the sound of thousands, if not millions of loaded revolvers entering mouths campus-wide. To these poor souls I have this to say: you should really consider eating Arby’s as a quicker method of suicide. As an added bonus, it will also help support important American products such as frying medium, and from what I hear, the bacon, beef and cheddar sandwich is like riding with the devil himself. You also won’t spook the people living in Youngstown who are still unused to the sound of gunshots.

But all hope is not lost! The Jambar has lots of upcoming changes that you should be aware of, and since you are probably sitting on the toilet right now (as polls indicate is the most popular method of reading this newspaper), you will probably have enough time to find out how The Jambar has nowhere to go but up!

The key to all of this upcoming greatness lies in corporate sponsorship. I didn’t know this until recently, but the Coca-Cola Company had bought out The Jambar months ago. It’s not so strange when you consider that college football teams receive corporate sponsorship all the time to buy new helmets and to pay off girls who have been “quarterback sacked,” but at one point I wondered why a cola company would have a vested interest in a humble college newspaper. I no longer question my new leaders, but I had my doubts when a bunch of Coke executives stormed the Jambar compound, demanding to know why we haven’t been mentioning their products this entire semester. When we answered that we didn’t know they were in charge and that we also have integrity, the gauntlet was thrown down.

It was later that I found out we never had integrity. Boy was my face red, much like the Coca-Cola logo! Our paper’s pro-Pepsi bias has been so obvious that I did not disagree at all when my corn-syrup peddling overlords said The Jambar is the worst it’s been in a decade. I was then shown many Pepsi propaganda articles that I didn’t think we published this year, but I will admit my ignorance and run corrections and clarifications on these lies in the space I have below:

• Coca-Cola does not cause miscarriages; it saves you hundreds of thousands of dollars over the course of 20 years
  
• Obese children should not be refused soft drinks, as they are the farm animals of the 21st century
  
• Diabetes is not debilitating, in fact it gives you the chance to wear fancy new shoes
  
• Bottles of Coca-Cola do not cause African bushmen to go insane; this is merely the gods being crazy

Now that has been cleared up, there’s no doubt you have noticed my new name. That’s right, I am now “Coca-Cola Presents: Bob Mackey with Retsyn.” You’ll find that I now have a strong ideology due to my corporate sponsors, and also the power of retsyn, which will leave your mouths feeling as clean as untouched waters of Lake Erie. You will also be refreshed by my new content and clever segues, such as the one you are reading now.

I’ve come to understand satire is too hard to understand for some people, and can often lead to mixed messages; the kind representatives of Coke let me know this while brandishing lead pipes. Much research was done on my behalf to discover what college students really think is funny, so in the future most of my articles will be about ramen, pizza, beer, and hilarious videos from the internet. Have you seen the one where the fat kid swings a broomstick around like Darth Vader with cerebral palsy? Of course you have, but that doesn’t mean you won’t want to read 1000 words about it! I will also take the liberty of massaging the nostalgia organ by providing references to the past without jokes, a la Family Guy. Remember “Step by Step?” I wish I couldn’t.

Coke, in a bold re-visioning of the newspaper format, also has plans to take The Jambar to places it has never gone, the first of which is underground. The potential for advertising space is almost limitless under the earth’s crust! In an experiment that will be held this summer, The Jambar will be publishing treasure maps of where to find my articles, and distributing digging tools from the office. All of those who promise to drink refreshing Coke products while digging for comedy gold will be granted the right to one official Jambar shovel, and a Coke sponsored canary in case you fall into any of the abandoned coal mines which snake out underneath YSU. You may die cold and alone, but at least you’ll have my humorous ponderings about campus parking to keep you company!

In closing, I was going to give a farewell to Leonard "Lenny" Crist and Katie "Katie" Libecco, but disposing of these two heavy black garbage bags in the Mahoning River as I was told to do this morning really got me thinking. This entire year, they were misleading me! Me, who knew nothing of newspapers, drawn into their vast anti-Coke conspiracy! As the title of the Green Day song that plays at the funerals of dead high school kids says, "good riddance."

By the way, if you two are reading this, do you have any idea how to get out of this large steel cage? Wait, I guess you wouldn't.