bobservo.com

to readers of this blog

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 01:00:34 GMT

By this point, it should be clear that I've abandoned my LiveJournal for greener pastures; I'm posting now to make it official. I originally started this LJ as an excuse to write every day, and nearly five years later I'm doing so much professional writing that I barely have time to make this blog worth reading. So while I'll be leaving this LiveJournal behind, you'll still find me floating around the Internet you know and love, doing the same things I've been doing for years now, despite knowing better.

And I won't be scrapping any of the content here; some of it consists of articles that don't necessarily exist anywhere else, so I want to keep this blog alive for archival purposes. Also, I plan on continually updating the various indexes of things I've written (located on the left), so you'll always have an easy way to know what I'm up to -- if such a thing interests you.

Anyway, here are some links you should check out if you're interested in keeping tabs on me.

Garbage Duck - A new comedy blog I started in October with a buddy of mine. We want it to have a bigger audience, so please go there and hammer the F5 button on your keyboard to produce this illusion. You might also want to read some articles while you're there.

1UP - Still doing features for them and writing for their various blogs. And they're still a very good mainstream video game website.

GameSpite - Now a Quarterly magazine -- were you aware!? While all of the content is eventually posted online, you should still invest your hard-earned dollars in our ambitious little project.

Something Awful - My longest-lived writing gig to date, and still my favorite. Will continue writing for them until I run out of funny juice.

That's it. Thanks for the memories.

question

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 19:21:55 GMT

I've been thinking about posting some actual content here; does anyone still read this?

gamespite gamespite GAMESPITE

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 21:28:58 GMT

In case you haven't been paying attention to my incessant plugging, the new installment of GameSpite Quarterly is now on sale in both standard and deluxe hardcover editions. This issue features write-ups about the all-time best games ever--at least according to the GameSpite staff (we kinda know a lot about this stuff). If you didn't dig the Game Boy-specific content of our inaugural issue, you'll definitely find something to love in this one. And if the baffling shipping rates of blurb.com scare you away, I'm pretty sure you can still use the code "hpfreeshipping" during checkout to knock nine bucks off your order--but keep in mind you'll have to register as a new user if you've already used this discount code in the past.

You can check out the prologue to the issue here and read some geeky gushings about the special games in our lives. It's really far less disgusting than it sounds.

And for the record, I'm covering Super Mario Galaxy and Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter for this issue. Someone snatched up Majora's Mask before I could pounce on it.

LOOK HERE FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!!!

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 05:18:43 GMT

I have a new Something Awful article.

READ IT NOW!

I mean it this time.

new 1up article

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 04:25:13 GMT

A big feature for 1UP, hopefully the first of many. And it's not even focused on comedy! Your little boy is growing up.

life is dumb and smelly, 2009 update

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 17:44:47 GMT

I rarely ever write personal entries on this blog anymore--or use it for anything other than a platform for self-promotion--but sometimes I gotta rant before my brain E.X.P.L.O.D.E.S. like some metaphorical Neo-Tokyo. So grab your trusty crowbar and let me help you Jimmy open the window to my soul; it's time to learn why 2009 is the dumbest and smelliest year of them all. With meaningless added pictures so as not to be disgustingly self-involved!

WRITING

I guess I should start off with the good; even though 61FPS folded this June, I've had the same creative freedom (though applied to a more limited subject) over at the 1UP Retro Blog. So even though I'm not raking in the big freelancing bucks anymore (hot dang over $500 a month!), I'm happy to be writing for sites that I respect and would read even if I didn't write for them. Lucky for me, I haven't yet sold out and started writing about boring and/or appalling subjects just for those sweet freelancing checks. Of course, my tune may change next year when I try to justify my new role as blogger for an adult diaper website. Please, just try to humor me.

So, what's bad about freelance writing? Well, for starters, I've reached the position where the only way I can possibly advance is to get a full-time job at a website/magazine/writing factory. The problem here is that these jobs don't actually exist anymore, and when they do exist, they're immediately gobbled up by the much more qualified people who were recently laid off from their former careers at websites/magazines/writing factories. It's my fault for dipping into an industry just as it started swirling down the economic drain, but 1UP has still been very supportive in the midst of all their recent problems. I just wrote a huge feature that should become a semi-regular gig, and they've given me a lot to do with the Retro Blog--which is really turning into something great. However, freelance writing alone isn't enough to support a single manchild, which bring us to our next subject...

JOBS

Since April, I have been applying for every job under the sun. Well, every job that applies to my skill set--I haven't been dropping off resumes at NASA for their space custodian program or anything. All of these attempts to get a job resulted in two phone calls thus far:

Call 1: Some guy from something named "The Sharp Start" calls, looking for writers who can produce 5000+ word documents for 25-75 bucks plus a commission for every time someone downloads said document. Seemed like a huge scam at the time, and their website is still cybersquatted even after the rep assured me it would be up weeks ago. Absolutely no information about this company exists on the Internet, so I quickly dashed my hopes and dreams of writing 50 pages on how to change a tire.

Call 2: A recruiter from a local tutoring job calls to review a resume I sent him. He gets as far as my education (where I have my soon-to-be MA in English listed), and quickly dismisses me in the most polite way he can. Obviously, he thought I was overqualified for some reason, even though the job listing said "MA and teaching experience strongly preferred." The world is conspiring to turn me into Ziggy, and not the cool David Bowie version of the character.

In my search for a living wage, I've mainly been applying for the few writing positions I can find, but I've also been looking for community manager and writing positions in the games industry, because these are things I could actually do with my education and experience. Still, no dice. Currently, my lousy time in grad school has put me in a bigger employment dead zone than I encountered back in 2007, when I had no job for 8 months and only a bachelor's degree to ward away employment opportunities. I'm not sure why employers are so afraid of a master's degree, but I'm guessing they assume people who've been to college for a decade have some gross sense of entitlement and will bolt for a better job at any given opportunity. Okay, the latter might be somewhat true (depending on the situation), but I really only need 20k a year to live comfortably and pay off my student loans at the same time--but keep in mind this is 20k a year in Ohio money. Number may vary elsewhere. Check your local listings.

I still do my depressing job hunting duty a few times a week, but it's gotten to the point where I check a spreadsheet full of links looking for openings at the same 40-50 places and coming up absolutely empty-handed every time. Until I find a some new ways to find jobs, looking for work is going to consist of the same disheartening routine. That's probably why I don't do it so often anymore.

SCHOOL

At the beginning of the semester, I wrote a screed against academia so embarrassingly hateful that I later made that particular post private. I'm still just as annoyed with the state of academia, but I've stopped being so outwardly angry and instead transformed into an in-class message board troll to fight off waves of boredom and apathy. Strange, because I started my graduate program with a "School will be fun!" mentality that was soon stomped on by a few objectively awful professors and their throngs of sycophants who would sell the last remaining ounces of their dignity for the mere chance at a tenure-track position.

Kent hasn't been a completely horrible experience, though; I've met a few folks who don't view academia as a selfish circle jerk with no practical application to the outside world. Still, the "dictator for life" mentality that often comes with tenure produces its share of monsters with severe myopia. No, your years of work studying intolerable 19th Century British working-class women's autobiographies has absolutely no impact on the state of the world, outside of getting you and your four peers published. Sorry if I believe that pro-social change starts with a content that isn't impermeable to anyone without a PhD in self-deception. BURNNNN

LIFE

Could be worse. As a white American male, my entire existence up to this point has depended entirely on my tacit exploitation of millions, but I've only recently become aware of this fact so I hope you don't think this means I deserve to die alone in a gutter. Even though I could be employed and happier with my position in life, I have the support of my friends and my parents so I know there are people around to help me if I need it. Two of my friends are saving me the complete dignity fatality called "moving back in with my parents," and I'm extremely grateful for that. I'm even working on a secret comedy project with one of these friends, and despite its possible success, we're having a ton of fun with it. Even though I have no idea of what will happen to me after the summer, I still maintain some small amount of hope that things will at least be tolerable. And now I don't even know why I wrote all of this.

STEAL MY BOOKS

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 20:48:55 GMT

I'm going to be moving at the end of the summer, and I have too many goddamned books; so to make things easier, I'm basically giving away a chunk of my collection. Everything listed below is $5 each--this should cover enough to pay for Media Mail shipping and a padded envelope. Call out what you want (reply to this post) and send PayPal to bobservo@hotmail.com. I'm listing Amazon.com links along with the books in case you're not sure what a few of these titles are about. Also, I'm anal about my books, so everything here is in good condition.

NON FICTION

Going Nucular: Language, Politics, and Culture in Confrontational Times by Geoffrey Nunberg (Hardcover)

http://www.amazon.com/Going-Nucular...45868520&sr=1-2

Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim by David Sedaris (Paperback)

http://www.amazon.com/Dress-Your-Fa...45868779&sr=1-1

List edited on 7/15/09.

new gamespite article

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 20:37:50 GMT

Remember, Issue 14 of GameSpite Quarterly (where this article is printed) is still on sale.

new 1up article

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 22:50:00 GMT

It's a sequel to this article from last year. I really want to do more video game comedy/satire stuff soon.

GameSpite Quarterly Issue 1

Tue, 26 May 2009 18:52:26 GMT

In case you weren't paying attention to my other outlets of self-promotion, the first issue of GameSpite Quarterly is now on sale in both a standard $12 paperback edition, and a $36 special hardcover edition for all of you big spenders out there. This being the 20th anniversary of the Game Boy, the inaugural issue of GameSpite Quarterly is devoted entirely to Nintendo's famous portable system. For more about the issue itself, check out GameSpite's blog post on the subject. and/or its online table of contents.

Times is tough, but $12 is a pretty good deal for 160 pages of good games journalism you won't find anywhere else in the world of print. Please pick up a copy if you can; we have a lot of great stuff planned for the upcoming issues. And because you asked for it, every issue of GameSpite Quarterly will be printed in English using actual words and sentences. Just try finding that in other magazines.

SUPER AWESOME EDIT: If you want to avoid paying blurb.com's unfriendly shipping rates, use the order code "hpfreeshipping" (without quotes, obviously) to get free shipping. Nice!

the circle of laugh

Thu, 14 May 2009 23:32:07 GMT

So there's a really good thread on the Something Awful Forums devoted to over-analyzing the subtext of children's cartoons. At first, people were being kind of tongue-in-cheek about it, but the discussion eventually saw some mind-blowing posts. Pavol Paska, for example, has made it so I'll never seeThe Lion King in the same way again:

"the lion king" details how a line of male autocrats safeguard and protect the deeply unfair patriarchy, known as 'the circle of life', and how the system must be protected at all costs from female interlopers

the good guys in the film are all very masculine - mufasa, the king, is big, strong, powerful, super-deep voice, a good fighter, focused entirely on higher-order abstract concepts like rulership and the order of things. rafiki the mandrill is the 'loremaster', the priest of the king - he is bearded and his symbol of office is a stick with two balls on the end. these two are the Forces of Order. note how they live on pride rock, which is basically in the sky (big ol' penis tower) - Uranus the sky god

the bad guys are really effeminate. scar is a lot thinner and more slender than his big brother, will talk circles around you but cannot fight, focused entirely on 'things' and 'possessions'; Jeremy Irons is english and americans traditionally see the english as effeminate. the hyenas are led by a female and are similarly slender in size. the motif of pollution runs through the Forces of Chaos - scar is scarred, one of the hyenas is insane, they hang out in a graveyard. women are traditionally seen as being 'polluted', partially due to menstruation and partially due to their role in society as childrearers, housekeepers, cooks. note the role of the earth - they live in a cave or something, they beat mufasa in a canyon - Gaia the earth goddess

simba is a child and as such is feminine - femininity is innate and natural, while masculinity is artificial and must be earned (it is more valuable). while a child, simba fucks everything up - he is stupid and selfish, wilful, gullible, nearly gets himself and his girlfriend killed and does eventually get mufasa killed too. note how the hornbill nanny is feminised despite being one of the masculine good guys - this is so he can act as a low-level antagonist since it wouldn't do to have the audience cheering against a male. it's also because child-rearing is what women do, so of course the hornbill must be small and weak and nagging and english (america has some issues with the english I feel)

so when the strong central force of masculinity dies and is replaced with a feminine usurper the whole system goes tits up. simba retreats into infantilism and never becomes the Man He Is Meant To. scar runs the kingdom into the ground through overconsumption because he doesn't 'get' the circle of life because he is a pseudo-woman. okay so maybe simba's mother or girlfriend or the lionesses will gang up and kill scar? no, only a man can take control of the pridelands - if the lionesses take over it will make things worse. simba's girlfriend is one of the good ones though, she knows her place in the hierarchy, so she runs off to get simba the man-child to help even though he is useless

she turns him into a man by fucking him which is what separates men from boys (can you fuck a woman? you are man) and he suddenly realises he has pubes and can kill scar. he defeats scar in noble combat but scar is a wily woman and tries to trick him and everyone else. however simba is now so masculine he can see through scar's lies and throws him to the hyenas, who all kill him because women are treacherous bitches. now that there is a male king again the sky opens up and offers its blessings, washing away the pollution and restoring things to the patriarchal status quo

serious post that is what the lion king is about none of your crazy racism shit (apart from the whole premise, africa is the Wild Continent where the animals are the ones with civilisation)

If I plan on staying in academia, I'll be doing this kind of stuff for my entire life. Yes, higher education is basically glorified message board posting. The "mods" are just peer-reviewed journals.

faster than a speeding bullet

Thu, 07 May 2009 13:29:43 GMT

I have a new Something Awful article.

READ IT NOW!

descent: the highest form of patriotic

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 05:08:54 GMT

I have a new Something Awful article.

READ IT NOW!

spookytown

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 05:11:12 GMT

I have a new Something Awful article.

READ IT NOW!

because you wanted to see it

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 05:16:42 GMT

I have a new Something Awful article.

READ IT NOW!

sleep with the fishes

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 14:17:51 GMT

I have a new Something Awful article.

READ IT NOW!

mst3k and me: a true story

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 22:43:53 GMT

Since my Mystery Science Theater 3000 fanaticism kinda came full circle after meeting Joel Hodgson and the Cinematic Titanic crew last weekend, I've been dying to write a little about my history with the show. Very little. So, in lieu of my death, please enjoy the following reflection.

I first watched Mystery Science Theater 3000 in early 1995, but I was aware of both the show and its premise long before this. Back in the days before Internet access was widespread and common, this sort of thing happened a lot; you'd hear little bits about something weird/interesting from various sources, and would have to piece together some general sense of what it really was. What I did know intrigued me; the show was entirely about watching a man and robots watch movies; this premise alone can be pretty mind-blowing if you happen to be 13 and living in the mid-90s. So I tried as best as I could to watch the show, even though Comedy Central (where it aired at the time) was hard to find, and not the household name that South Park would make it a few years later. I even remember staying over my grandma's one weekend for the sole reason that her cable provider was giving her a free preview weekend of Comedy Central--but, alas, there was no Mystery Science Theater to be found. My grandma never found out my ulterior motives.

I ended up first seeing the show (by accident, really) in its short-lived syndicated format, The Mystery Science Theater Hour, which split normal episodes into two parts and added a framing device with Michael J. Nelson playing host Jack Perkins. It wasn't the best way to view the episodes, but it was really the only way for me at the time; and, in keeping with my old tradition of obsessively recording the shows I was obsessed with, I built up a small collection of episodes that I could rewatch at any point. So I did. A lot. And when our cable provider actually picked up Comedy Central in the Spring of 1996, it was like the Second Coming for me. Of course, I had no idea that the show was in the middle of a six-episode season and also on the brink of cancellation--once again, no Internet--so in my case, ignorance was bliss. Though I distinctly recall watching the final episode of the Comedy Central run (Laserblast) after coming home from a soccer game and being really confused about the host segments that surrounded the movie. And since I hadn't seen 2001: A Space Odyssey either (which said host segments parodied), I was doubly confused.

So the Spring of 1996 was probably not the best time to get into MST3K; the series was basically being treated like garbage by the network (if I recall, only one episode aired per week), and the MST3K movie never played anywhere near me, much to my great disappointment. It was around this time that I picked up The Amazing Colossal Episode Guide at a local Barnes and Noble and read it cover-to-cover about a dozen times. I really knew nothing of MST3K outside of what I had watched on TV, so the book revealed to me just how long the show had run--which was exciting because I had seen so little of it at that point--and answered some questions that most MST3K fans take for granted, like why Joel wasn't around for some (now most) of the episodes. I hadn't encountered any Mike episodes until Comedy Central entered our home, so you can understand my shock when I saw some stranger being held captive on the Satellite of Love.

Since this post is already getting long, I'll speed through the time when I was most obsessed with MST3K: high school. After getting the Internet and grabbing the hacker alias "bobservo" for my own--which you may notice I've kept to this day--I started using the Information Superhighway for what every young, teenage boy does in private: researching and creating embarrassing websites about a favorite TV show. [Side note: Based on my observations, the Internet was seemingly created to discuss both MST3K and The Simpsons.] I soon discovered that you could buy VHS tapes of the MST3K (recorded right from the TV, of course) from reputable traders on the Internet, so I basically spent the next four years doing just that. By the end of high school, I'd seen over 100 of the Comedy Central era episodes (across roughly 40 tapes), and had my very own cataloged collection of the newer seasons (8-10) from the few years MST3K ran on the Sci-Fi channel. I should also mention that this was the time I joined the MST3K Info Club (my member number is around 70k) and ordered most of the merchandise from their catalog. While cutting my grandma's lawn during the summer to earn money for--you guessed it--more MST3K tapes, I would always have my CD player blasting Clowns In the Sky, a compilation of songs from the show. No, I didn't have any sex in high school.

There's a lot more I could include in this post--and more that I want to include--but for the sake of brevity I'll try to wrap things up. The funny thing about my most obsessive MST3K period is that I knew absolutely no one else who liked the show or would watch it with me; even my closest friends found it boring or just flat-out stupid. In fact, I recall an incident when a friend of mine went into another room to watch Xena (Xena!) because I turned on MST3K. But today, all of my friends are aware of MST3K, and we normally watch some sort of MST3K-related product (including RiffTrax, Cinematic Titanic, etc.) for our semi-regular gatherings. Now is probably the best time to be into riff-based comedy; not only are the old episodes of MST3K easily available online (though illegally), the aforementioned side-projects of the MST3K crew are just as funny as the show was back in the 90s. The RiffTrax shorts in particular are some of the best (and cheapest) comedy you can find, even outside of the Internet.

I really wish I could go on more about Mystery Science Theater 3000, since I don't really think I've given a real sense of just how truly obsessed I've been with it over these past 15 years, but I think I've written enough for now. To this day, I'm still impressed by both the quality and challenging nature of MST3K's comedy (you really have to know stuff to get the best jokes), and I credit it, along with The Simpsons, for shaping my sensibilities most as a comedy writer--which is why it's a shame I didn't try to make this essay funny in any way whatsoever. But regardless of whether this obsessive fanboy post is entertaining or not, on Saturday night I left Cleveland with an Amazing Colossal Episode Guide full of signatures from people who probably had more of an influence on me than my parents.

But don't tell them that.

free money

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 13:49:43 GMT

I have a new Something Awful article.

READ IT NOW!

new gamespite article

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 20:40:00 GMT

new 1up article

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 00:10:19 GMT

Originally ran in the final EGM.

one is the loneliest number

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 06:06:48 GMT

I have a new Something Awful article.

READ IT NOW!

hail to the tweet

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 14:03:31 GMT

I have a new Something Awful article.

READ IT NOW!

secret of the ooze

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 15:59:34 GMT

I have a new Something Awful article.

READ IT NOW!

i was interviewed

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 23:56:56 GMT

The Stand Under the Don't Tree and Riddle Me This radio show/podcast interviewed me last night about games journalism and general nerd stuff. Here's a link:

http://tinyurl.com/9mqzk9

My section starts at 29:10 but you should probably listen to the whole thing. I approve.

new 1up article

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 02:19:36 GMT

The comments section is amazing.