Since my Mystery Science Theater 3000 fanaticism kinda came full circle after meeting Joel Hodgson and the Cinematic Titanic crew last weekend, I've been dying to write a little about my history with the show. Very little. So, in lieu of my death, please enjoy the following reflection.

I first watched Mystery Science Theater 3000 in early 1995, but I was aware of both the show and its premise long before this. Back in the days before Internet access was widespread and common, this sort of thing happened a lot; you'd hear little bits about something weird/interesting from various sources, and would have to piece together some general sense of what it really was. What I did know intrigued me; the show was entirely about watching a man and robots watch movies; this premise alone can be pretty mind-blowing if you happen to be 13 and living in the mid-90s. So I tried as best as I could to watch the show, even though Comedy Central (where it aired at the time) was hard to find, and not the household name that South Park would make it a few years later. I even remember staying over my grandma's one weekend for the sole reason that her cable provider was giving her a free preview weekend of Comedy Central--but, alas, there was no Mystery Science Theater to be found. My grandma never found out my ulterior motives.

I ended up first seeing the show (by accident, really) in its short-lived syndicated format, The Mystery Science Theater Hour, which split normal episodes into two parts and added a framing device with Michael J. Nelson playing host Jack Perkins. It wasn't the best way to view the episodes, but it was really the only way for me at the time; and, in keeping with my old tradition of obsessively recording the shows I was obsessed with, I built up a small collection of episodes that I could rewatch at any point. So I did. A lot. And when our cable provider actually picked up Comedy Central in the Spring of 1996, it was like the Second Coming for me. Of course, I had no idea that the show was in the middle of a six-episode season and also on the brink of cancellation--once again, no Internet--so in my case, ignorance was bliss. Though I distinctly recall watching the final episode of the Comedy Central run (Laserblast) after coming home from a soccer game and being really confused about the host segments that surrounded the movie. And since I hadn't seen 2001: A Space Odyssey either (which said host segments parodied), I was doubly confused.

So the Spring of 1996 was probably not the best time to get into MST3K; the series was basically being treated like garbage by the network (if I recall, only one episode aired per week), and the MST3K movie never played anywhere near me, much to my great disappointment. It was around this time that I picked up The Amazing Colossal Episode Guide at a local Barnes and Noble and read it cover-to-cover about a dozen times. I really knew nothing of MST3K outside of what I had watched on TV, so the book revealed to me just how long the show had run--which was exciting because I had seen so little of it at that point--and answered some questions that most MST3K fans take for granted, like why Joel wasn't around for some (now most) of the episodes. I hadn't encountered any Mike episodes until Comedy Central entered our home, so you can understand my shock when I saw some stranger being held captive on the Satellite of Love.

Since this post is already getting long, I'll speed through the time when I was most obsessed with MST3K: high school. After getting the Internet and grabbing the hacker alias "bobservo" for my own--which you may notice I've kept to this day--I started using the Information Superhighway for what every young, teenage boy does in private: researching and creating embarrassing websites about a favorite TV show. [Side note: Based on my observations, the Internet was seemingly created to discuss both MST3K and The Simpsons.] I soon discovered that you could buy VHS tapes of the MST3K (recorded right from the TV, of course) from reputable traders on the Internet, so I basically spent the next four years doing just that. By the end of high school, I'd seen over 100 of the Comedy Central era episodes (across roughly 40 tapes), and had my very own cataloged collection of the newer seasons (8-10) from the few years MST3K ran on the Sci-Fi channel. I should also mention that this was the time I joined the MST3K Info Club (my member number is around 70k) and ordered most of the merchandise from their catalog. While cutting my grandma's lawn during the summer to earn money for--you guessed it--more MST3K tapes, I would always have my CD player blasting Clowns In the Sky, a compilation of songs from the show. No, I didn't have any sex in high school.

There's a lot more I could include in this post--and more that I want to include--but for the sake of brevity I'll try to wrap things up. The funny thing about my most obsessive MST3K period is that I knew absolutely no one else who liked the show or would watch it with me; even my closest friends found it boring or just flat-out stupid. In fact, I recall an incident when a friend of mine went into another room to watch Xena (Xena!) because I turned on MST3K. But today, all of my friends are aware of MST3K, and we normally watch some sort of MST3K-related product (including RiffTrax, Cinematic Titanic, etc.) for our semi-regular gatherings. Now is probably the best time to be into riff-based comedy; not only are the old episodes of MST3K easily available online (though illegally), the aforementioned side-projects of the MST3K crew are just as funny as the show was back in the 90s. The RiffTrax shorts in particular are some of the best (and cheapest) comedy you can find, even outside of the Internet.

I really wish I could go on more about Mystery Science Theater 3000, since I don't really think I've given a real sense of just how truly obsessed I've been with it over these past 15 years, but I think I've written enough for now. To this day, I'm still impressed by both the quality and challenging nature of MST3K's comedy (you really have to know stuff to get the best jokes), and I credit it, along with The Simpsons, for shaping my sensibilities most as a comedy writer--which is why it's a shame I didn't try to make this essay funny in any way whatsoever. But regardless of whether this obsessive fanboy post is entertaining or not, on Saturday night I left Cleveland with an Amazing Colossal Episode Guide full of signatures from people who probably had more of an influence on me than my parents.

But don't tell them that.
 

I'll be updating this post throughout the day as I waste my entire day watching Christmas specials.

Best Christmas Story Never Told

Most Adequate Christmas Ever

"Well, for one thing, the stockings; they're supposed to be hung with care in hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there.  The INXS guy hung himself with more care!  And the nativity scene; the three wise men look like transvestites!  The mannish kind!  Not the attractive Asian kind you're always hoping your friends will hire for your birthday party."

Married...With Children Christmas [Not the one with Sam Kinison :(  ]

"No brakes!  No brakes!"

Mail Order Bride

Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future

"And that is where babies come from... for MACHINES."

Rebel with a Claus

Mystery Science Theater 3000 - Santa Claus (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WATCH THIS)

Mystery Science Theater 3000 - Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

READ IT NOW!

I love reading how ridiculously overwrought the plots of the newer Simpsons episodes are. Where can I buy the idea dartboard that comes up with these?

Season 20 is going to be AMAZING!!!  Will Denis Leary get his phone back?  I can't wait to find out!

Hello, my name is Hollie Brys I am a producer at the Steve Wilkos Show. Are you familiar with the show? I read your story online and was inspired to write to you and ask how you are doing? Are you still in need of help? Would you be interested in appearing on our show. If so please call me at XXX-XXX-XXXX.
Thanks
Hollie

THE 'BOTS ARE BACK!

Beginning November 5th, BBI will be launching its very own website at MST3K.com. The site will feature brand-new animated adventures of Crow, Tom Servo and Gypsy. We're told the goal is to have one new adventure each week (though "some settling may occur with shipping," they added). The Web site will also feature work from the original series (which BBI is now calling "the legacy series"), behind-the-scenes footage and other material culled from the BBI vault.

Also on the site will be BBI's first online store, featuring all new merchandise. (This means that the BBI merchandise section of our site will be taken down. )

The new adventures of the 'bots are being produced by BBI President, MST3K series writer and the returning voice of Gypsy, Jim Mallon. He will be joined on this new experiment by veteran MST3K series writer and performer Paul Chaplin (who will be on the writing team and will be providing the voice of Crow) along with new writing and performing talent.

Cinematic Titanic

So what is Cinematic Titanic? In a nutshell, Joel and the gang have
secured the rights to 12 bad, MST-quality films. They will all be
writing and performing new riffs, with silhouettes. The plan is to offer
downloadable and burnable DVDs through the site -- sort of one-stop
shopping.

We're told that while there will be an overall premise to the show,
there won't be many "host segments" or the like. And the silhouette
won't be of people in theater seats. Instead, it will consist of people
up on scaffolding on the side of the screen...as seen in the Cinematic
Titanic logo.

The date and title of the first release have yet to be announced, but
you can be the first to recieve the news by signing up for the Cinematic
Titanic newsletter. Just visit http://www.cinematictitanic.com for more
information.

Last week, I wrote about the current state of The Simpsons and its distant golden years, all while telling you what to feel -- so this week’s article needs little introduction.  I’ve already named the best four episodes in the first four seasons, and today I’m going to continue this fruitless exercise by going through seasons five to eight.

But first, let me explain something: any Simpsons fan worth his or her salt will tell you that you can safely ignore any season after eight and be perfectly happy.  I am one of them.  Seasons nine and ten are okay, but don’t deserve to be lumped in with the magic of 1989 – 1997, AKA “the best years to be alive and in front of a television set."  And season 11 can just go to hell.

Season 5 – “Rosebud”

Marge: [incredulous] Have you been up all night eating cheese?

Homer: [slurred] I think I'm blind...

While it was hard to choose one episode each from seasons three and four, from here on out it’s going to be excruciating.  But season five’s “Rosebud” wasn’t too hard of a decision to make. It stands out as the perfect marriage of character back story, pop culture references, and humor (this is bigamy) – and it may be the best Mr. Burns episode ever produced.

Just like Citizen Kane’s titular character, Mr. Burns longs for his lost childhood by means of a long-lost possession; though it takes the form of a beloved stuffed bear named “Bobo” instead of a sled called “Rosebud” in this case. Via a Quik-E-Mart-purchased bag of ice, The Simpsons gain possession of the sought-after bear, but Maggie’s attachment to it means more to the family than what Mr. Burns is willing to offer.  Thus, hilarity ensues.  Well, not just hilarity – we briefly see a pathetic, powerless side of Burns that quickly disappears at the end of the episode in the standard cynical Simpsons tradition.  As fleeting as it was, though, it cast a completely new light on an old character.  There had never really had a sympathetic portrayal of Burns until this point, as he was essentially the show’s super villain.  His diabolical side is still present in "Rosebud," though; the episode features Mr. Burns holding both TV and alcohol hostage, as well as his poorly-planned zipline B&E at the Simpsons’ home.

Sadly, he’d eventually become just another one of the “sad, confused, old man” characters on the show, but with “Rosebud,” Mr. Burns was at his peak.

Season 6 – “Who Shot Mr. Burns (Part One)” 

Burns: Ahoy, there, Dean.  I understand you're taking suggestions from students, eh? Well, me and my fourth form chums think it would be quite corking if you'd sign over your oil well to the local energy concern.

Skinner: [clears throat] Mr. Burns?

Burns: Buh!

Skinner: It was naive of you think I would mistake this town's most prominent 104 year-old man for one of my elementary school students.

This is, in my opinion, the perfect Simpsons episode.  Written by two of the show’s finest writers – who would later go on to run seasons seven and eight – “Who Shot Mr. Burns?” is a brilliantly plotted and directed episode, and the finest example of The Simpsons at its peak.  Though I'm not implying it was all downhill from the end of season six; “Who Shot Mr. Burns?” marks the direct chronological center at which the comedy goldmine was at its most productive.

It’s amazing that “Who Shot Mr. Burns?” turned out so good when you account for what the episode had going against it.  This was The Simpsons’ first approach to what could have turned into a real “jump the shark” moment: a two-part, cliffhanger episode (something the show hasn’t done before or since) promoted with a contest where viewers were asked the question present in the title of the episode.  But due to the amazing staff on board at the time, everything worked.  “Who Shot Mr. Burns?” is a complex mystery, with a dozen characters each having a dozen motivations to commit the crime.  We also see Mr. Burns at his worst, along with some of the best moments of supporting characters like Smithers, who binges on alcohol and Comedy Central, and Principal Skinner, who has one of the more memorable encounters with Superintendent Chalmers.

To me, both parts (even though I’m only counting this part alone for season six) of “Who Shot Mr. Burns?” are the real Simpsons movie; both episodes were more epic and engaging (in only 45 minutes), with a real villain connected to Springfield and no need for a boring cross-country adventure.  Mr. Burns is one of the finest antagonists in television, which is why it’s so sad he’s fallen into disuse during these past ten-or-so years.

And for those of you thinking that the resolution to “Who Shot Mr. Burns?” was kind of a cop-out, writers Bill Oakley and Josh Weinstein originally proposed that Barney Gumble be the shooter, and actually leave the show for a while to serve time for shooting Burns.  In the end, they opted for a less continuity-altering idea. 

Season 7 – “Mother Simpson” 

Wiggum: Put out an APB on a Uosdwis R. Dewoh.  Uh, better start with Greektown.

Friday: That's "Homer J. Simpson", Chief.  You're reading it upside down. 

Wiggum: Uh, cancel that APB.  But, uh, bring back some of them, uh, gyros.

Friday: Uh, Chief?  You're talking into your wallet.

By now it should be apparent that I’m a sucker for real emotional moments on The Simpsons; they may be few and far between, but they’re always real, worked-for, and never sappy.  That being said, if you don’t get choked up during the last scene of “Mother Simpson,” you must be a robot or some kind of fancy new German.  I’m just sayin’.

“Mother Simpson” tackled an issue that had never been brought up by the show before: where was Homer’s mother?  The answer to this question is one of the most touching and memorable episodes in the history of the show (I promise I am trying to be less girly with my descriptions from now on).

The introduction of Mona Simpson to the show’s universe posed a bit of a problem: how can you introduce such a major family member after seven years, excuse her absence, and tie her into the history of the show?  “Mother Simpson” manages to solve all of these problems; Mona leaves her family in the 1960s for a valid reason, the counterculture movement, yet we manage to have sympathy for her despite her absence from Homer's life.  And her appearance doesn’t even come close to being gimmicky, as she’s worked into the history of the town and given a reason to be absent for so long: the raiding of Mr. Burns’ germ warfare lab has made her a fugitive for three decades.  Because she fits into the show so naturally, no part of this episode feels forced.  This helps with the emotional payoff of the episode’s final scene, where Mona is forced to leave Homer again; it’s simple, sweet and genuine.  And that final shot of a contemplative Homer sitting on his car and looking up at the stars as a gentle melody plays over the credits gets me weepy just thinking about it.

When was the last time a TV show has done that? (Sorry, I am a big fat lady)

Season 8 – “You Only Move Twice”

Hank: If you need anything, you call me.

Homer: All right. What's the number?

Hank: I've never had to call my own company. Someone will tell you upstairs. But, Homer, on your way out, if you wanna kill somebody, it would help a lot.

“You Only Move Twice” is the “Marge Versus the Monorail” of season eight.  If you can’t follow that analogy, allow me to explain: the episode has a delightful amount of absurdity that isn’t seen elsewhere in the season.  Because of this craziness, it’s a fan favorite.  I also feel obligated to include it in this article because I think I’ve been going a little overboard with selecting mostly emotion-heavy episodes.

And if I don’t include this episode, I’ll probably get death threats from at least half of this blog’s audience.  I don’t even think my mailbox can hold six letters!

The plot of “You Only Move Twice” is a simple one that’s used often in The Simpsons: “Homer gets a new job.”  But the execution makes this tired concept worth watching from start to finish.  Homer’s new boss, Hank Scorpio, is both a parody of the laid-back Silicon Valley millionaires and a sort of James Bond super villain.  It’s a crazy, incredibly high-concept idea, but it works; what could be the wackiest and most in-your-face part of the plot is handled with an alarming bit of subtlety, making it all the more funny.  Homer’s new job is seemingly normal and mundane, and he isn’t even aware of Hank Scorpio’s real objectives – even though Scorpio doesn’t try to keep them a secret.  Essentially, there’s a spy movie going on in the background that this episode of The Simpsons occasionally interrupts.  This all culminates in the scene where Homer – at the behest of his homesick family – morosely quits his job while the fighting and fireworks of a James Bond movie climax happen around him.  Homer being blind to all of this is what makes “You Only Move Twice” one of the best moments of the end of The Simpsons' golden age.

So what happened after this?  Television was bad forever.

THE END